Part Two - Fight Fear
Don't be Afraid to Obey Series
This post is the second in my series, “Don’t Be Afraid to Obey.” In this series, I am exploring what God has taught me about obedience and trust in marriage.
See part one here. Subscribe to follow along as new parts are released.
“For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”
- 1 Peter 3:5-6
Public school was my testing ground.
The joy and peace and fruit that sending our kids to school has brought to our family is difficult to comprehend. It’s not because we love it so much. It’s not because they have the best education ever. It’s not because it’s fixed any root issues.
It’s not even because it has helped the kids grow in areas of our family’s natural weaknesses or because the kids love it or because it’s given me more time to grow as a mom and focus on training my littles, although those have been real blessings.
The best thing that has come from it is the unity and peace in our marriage.
In this situation, God was gracious and it was made easier by the fact I knew my husband was right and from the beginning, as much as I hated it, I knew it was good. It truly was the best thing for our family at the time.
But even if homeschooling would have been a better fit for us, guess what? It wouldn’t have been if it came at the cost of me having my own way.
For you, it might not be school. But every wife has to choose - will I obey or seek to have my own way? Don’t ignore this because you don’t have huge conflict right now. Sometimes, the hardest situations to submit in are the small ones.
Maybe your husband says to give them Pop-Tarts every Sunday because we don’t have time before church, and you worry about their teeth.
Maybe he says you need to have fewer people over, and to you that feels wrong.
Maybe he says timeouts will be more effective on this child, and you feel that is disobeying Scripture and you ought to use the rod.
Maybe he says the kids can’t jump on the couch, and you just don’t know how else they’ll entertain themselves.
What do you do?
There are probably bigger reasons, such as selfishness, that it is difficult to obey, but I want to focus on something I don’t hear people talk about. We don’t obey because we’re afraid.
If your husband is asking you to do something and you really don’t want to, consider whether there’s something you’re afraid of. I don’t consider myself an anxious or fearful person, but as I’ve looked back at this time, I realize I did fear what my future would look like. I was afraid I wouldn’t be happy. What do you think is going to happen if you submit to what he wants?
If your husband is asking you to do something and you really don’t want to, consider whether there’s something you’re afraid of. I don’t consider myself an anxious or fearful person, but as I’ve looked back at this time, I realize I did fear what my future would look like. I was afraid I wouldn’t be happy. What do you think is going to happen if you submit to what he wants?
My proposal is this, and I am convinced it is true: no matter what you fear will happen if you listen to your husband, the consequences of not listening to your husband will be worse.
Let me say it positively: the benefits of honoring and obeying your husband will far outweigh whatever you fear will happen if you do.
Let me clarify that this is written to Christian women with good (though not even necessarily Christian) husbands. I am not addressing how to respond to husbands who push for what is blatant sin. But don’t be quick to put yourself into that category. I think that often even when dealing with sin, God will bless your obedience more than you fighting to get your way.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: if what your husband wants to do is not explicitly in Scripture, you should submit. Because, “wives obey your husbands in all things,” is.
I don’t mean you never address things you disagree about. We’ll talk more about that later. But my ability to do that with my husband without harming our relationship or our kids has been greatly enhanced by me consistently seeking to submit to his leading, even when I don’t like it or disagree. Over time, it has led to my husband seeing I was right or coming to the conclusion I wanted him to on his own - though more often, to me seeing he was right.
My husband has pointed out that most people are not good at second order thinking. If you have children, like me you are probably trying to teach them consequences. “If you aren’t careful, you’ll break that plate. If you don’t get the house cleaned, you won’t get to have friends over.” Most adults understand this type of thinking. But we need to learn to think about the next level.
Fear keeps us from doing this.
Fear only imagines the immediate consequences - or the bad second order consequences - and assumes that’s the end of the story.
I’ve been spending most of my mornings lately, and often most of my days, getting my whole house in order and teaching my kids to take responsibility for their things and our home. In first order thinking, saying that this is my priority means that I am putting the home first and sacrificing everything else. What about ministry? What about fun with the kids? How will I accomplish anything else?
Fear will lead us to neglect obedience. Obedience is uncomfortable - but not forever.
I have to remind myself that this is a season. Maintaining my home doesn’t take as much time as getting it in order to start with, or as teaching the kids to maintain it. I will not live in this mode forever. Working hard here will lead to more peace and more time long-term.
This is applicable in all sorts of situations. Consider this next time your husband wants something you don’t. Say he wants you to stop going thrifting. He says it’s wasting time and money. You may say your love of thrifting makes it hard to obey - but it’s really your fear imagining what will happen if you spend money on new clothes that is bothering you.
But you obey cheerfully. The budget is tight for a while. And then, things you didn’t imagine start happening. You pay more for a few shirts, but they last longer. Because you paid $40 for a shirt, it’s important you don’t stain it. You remember to wear an apron. You learn how to clean clothes better. You cut down your wardrobe, and having fewer clothes makes your life simpler and happier.
Or, you obey cheerfully. The clothes you buy don’t last, but they cost more, and finding new clothes took just as much time. Your husband says, nevermind, this isn’t better. You happily go back to thrifting.
Either way, what do you have to fear? Losing money? But having obedience and peace while you’re learning unity is worth losing money over.
Of course, this example is relatively unimportant. But it’s not much different in principle than when we sent our kids to school. God used that situation to show me how essential submission is in marriage, and how fruitful. Because it was so emotional, it was memorable, but I've seen the same thing play out over and over in smaller ways. Fear will keep you from obedience. Obedience will prove fears to be unreliable guides.
Obey God’s ways. They work. Don’t think that because you started down this path you’re going to go all the way to the destination to which your fears lead.
God’s ways are not our ways. In His ways, five loaves and two fish equal baskets and baskets of leftovers. He calls Abraham to sacrifice his only son - and then Abraham receives him back, as if from the dead.
Do you actually believe God will be good to you? Do you believe in His sovereignty and love for you enough to trust that He will bring good from your obedience?
If you do, you will not be fearful. Fear says, “What if?” Obedience says, “I don’t know what will happen, but I know God will be good to me.”