Don't Be Afraid to Obey
Why obeying your husband is essential for parenting and marriage
The fall my firstborn entered kindergarten, my marriage and home were struggling. My husband came to me with something unexpected: we should send her to public school. We were both homeschooled all the way through. I hated the idea of sending my kids to school. Being a public school mom wasn’t (and still hasn’t sunk into) my identity. Sure, I figured we’d probably do it sometime - but apparently I never really thought it would happen in elementary. My husband said we needed to. When we were wrestling through the idea, I cried for weeks.
Literally. Daily. (My poor husband.)
You have your own issues. They don’t have to be big. Maybe your husband says to give them pop tarts every single Sunday because we don’t have time for a real breakfast before church and you worry about their teeth.
Maybe he says the kids can’t jump on the couch, and you just don’t know how else they’ll entertain themselves.
Maybe he says timeouts will be more effective on this kid, and you feel that is disobeying Scripture and you ought to use the rod.
What do you do?
My proposal is this, and I am convinced it is true: whatever consequences you fear will happen to your kids if you listen to your husband, they will not be as bad as a mom who demonstrates rebellion and a refusal to trust God.
The joy and peace and fruit that sending our kids to school has brought to our family is difficult to comprehend. It’s not because we love it so much. It’s not because they have the best education ever. It’s not because it’s fixed any root issues.
It’s not even because it’s helped the kids grow in our family’s natural weaknesses or the kids love it or it’s given me more time to grow as a mom and focus on training my littles, though those have been real blessings.
The best thing that has come from that is the unity and peace in our marriage.
In this situation, God was gracious and it was made easier by the fact that I knew my husband was right, and from the beginning, as much as I hated it, I knew it was the best thing for our family at the time. It truly was the best thing.
But even if homeschooling would have been a better fit for us, guess what?
It wouldn’t have been if it came at the cost of me having my own way.
Let me say it positively: the benefits of your kids having a mom who honors and obeys her husband will far outweigh whatever you fear will happen if you follow what your husband wants. The best gift you can give your kids as a Christian family is a mom who respects and obeys their dad.
Let me clarify that this is written to Christian women with good (though not even necessarily Christian) husbands. I am not addressing how to respond to husbands who push for what is blatant sin. But don’t be quick to put yourself into that category. I think that even in many sins, God will bless your obedience more than you fighting to get your way. For example, maybe your husband won’t let the kids do something, say, go to youth group, that you know would be spiritually good for them. He may be objectively wrong. Still, most of the time your obedience will mediate the harm your husband is doing more than the good you want to do will mediate the harm your disobedience will cause.
Furthermore, I don’t mean you never address things you disagree about. But my ability to do that with my husband without harming our relationship or our kids has been greatly enhanced by me consistently seeking to submit to his leading, even when I don’t like it or disagree. Over time, it has led to my husband seeing I was right or coming to the conclusion I wanted him to on his own - though more often, to me seeing he was right.
Trust God’s ways. They work. Don’t think that because you started down this path you’re going to go all the way to the destination where your fears lead. God’s ways are not our ways. In His ways, one plus one equals one, and five loaves and two fish equal baskets and baskets of leftovers. He calls Abraham to sacrifice his only son - and then Abraham receives him back, as if from the dead.
Are you willing to give God your children?
What if you send them to school, and they learn bad words they have to learn not to say? What if they learn about some sexual things you wouldn’t have taught them for years? What if they have mean friends who hurt them? What if they memorize facts about evolution? What if they have teachers who don’t give them the help they need?
All of these things may happen. The thing is, none of these address the heart.
Which child is better, a child who doesn’t know bad words exist, has an innocent mind, and gets the best Classical education or a child who has none of those things?
Who knows? This doesn’t tell us the important things!
Those things can be great. But what’s more important is a child who loves his parents and knows how to love friends who don’t know God and can fight temptation and is humble. Prioritize the spiritual growth of your kids. And that won’t happen by isolating them from bad things, but by teaching them to obey in them.
God says to train up your child in the way they should go. He doesn’t say whether that includes healthy food or homeschooling or having secular friends or regular bedtimes or sports. Many Christians land on different sides of these sorts of things.
But He does say - very clearly - wives, obey your husbands. And if you have kids, you know they learn best by imitation.
What does it look like to obey without fear? Here are a few examples.
Your husband tells you you aren’t spanking hard enough. That baby can’t feel you through his diaper. But you look at his wailing face and feel your stinging hand and can’t understand how it couldn’t have hurt him.
Trust your husband. Spank harder.
Your husband says he wants the kids out for the bus by 7:05. You think that means before the bus arrives, so you plan on that. He’s unpleased after you’re rushing out at 7:08, even though the bus isn’t there yet. You think he’s making a big deal out of nothing.
Think about the words your husband said. Why did he say them the way he did, and are you trying to shortcut his directions to get to his goal your preferred way? Especially if you have a purposeful sort of husband, you are careful to do what he says, not merely the goal you think he’s aiming for. If you think you have a better way, you don’t change it unless you’ve been able to ask him about it - without fighting him, being willing to do it his way.
Your husband tells you that he wanted you to be ready at 5, and it’s 5:10 and the kids still aren’t in the van. Your mind fills with visions of the missing shoes and dirty diapers and emergency clean ups and you start thinking how unfair that is when he only got himself ready and then sat on the couch waiting for you to get everyone else ready.
You discipline your emotions and say “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. Could we talk about this later? I’d like your help thinking through how I can get better at this.” Or, if you’ve already had a number of conversations about this, “I’m sorry. I know we’ve talked about this. I’ll make a plan tomorrow for how I can do what we’ve talked about better.” And then do that.
Your husband tells you you shouldn’t agree to lead the committee at church. You’re too busy. You need to be spending more time at home. You disagree.
This could go several ways, depending on your situation and history. One, you keep your mouth shut, trust him, and spend more time working at home. Another, you ask him for an explanation. What are the things he thinks are missing? Is there something that, if you were able to fix, he would find it ok for you to lead it? Alternatively, does he think it would be ok if you join the committee rather than lead it? Sometimes, you might present an argument. “Would you be ok with me sharing my thoughts? I know I’ve been busy lately, but everything has been running well at home. I think I should add this on, and if it becomes too much, I can cut back on how frequently we have people over. I think they really could use my help.”
Notice the attitude. It’s always coming from a heart with a desire to respect your husband, his opinions, and his wishes, even when in disagreement - and with a willingness to submit to his preference if your thoughts don’t change his mind.
What it does not look like is giving no feedback when he proposes something (though there may be times and seasons when that is appropriate). I don’t know your husband, but a habit of doing that would certainly not please mine. And if your heart is like mine, if you want to avoid any discussion, it probably means you have some rebellion or irritation or bitterness in your heart that you need to work through, not that you are happily submissive. If I can’t speak without revealing that, it may be time to take it silently and then pray through it before I respond. (Just do a better job at letting your husband know that is what you’re doing than I usually am - he knows a silent, unhappy wife is not submissive or a joy!)
There have been seasons for me when I need to take his guidance without response. But this ought to be a limited time of training. Teach yourself to bring your objections to your husband as questions - genuine questions, mind you. This has been, so far as I have implemented it, a good way of learning to trust my husband and not fear, without merely going through the actions and not addressing my heart. If I give vent to my fears, concerns, or confusions, it usually leads to complaints, bitterness, and thinking poorly of my husband. (Though it is worth noting that I am not sure I have ever identified it as such at the time.) But if I think well of my husband, and assume this must be a good plan I just don’t understand yet, I can ask good questions without coming across as defensive and discouraging him from leading.
So if he says, “Don’t feed the kids in the van,” I can take a breath and think, it’s important to him to keep things clean and I’m thankful for that. Am I actually going to make sure the trash makes it inside even if we only eat plain lunchmeat and cheese sticks? He knows me. He’s seen me try and fail. And I know the kids can make a mess out of the least crumbly foods! So then I can say, “Ok. I know you would like to make this a rule, and I’m not very good at keeping the van clean. Do you have any ideas about what to do when I’m out before lunch? The kids always fall asleep on the way home, and they won’t stay asleep if they haven’t eaten. I want to do what you direct me to, but this really does make my day difficult.” Perhaps your husband will say it’s worth it to him that you have a weekly fast food budget, and you can take them to McDonald’s when the weather’s too bad to eat at the park. Now that’s a win-win situation in my book...
(This is a bad example personally, so don’t tell my husband...we still haven’t figured this one out...)
Again, there may be seasons in your marriage that you cannot have a conversation like this. There may be times your husband forbids you to argue when he asks you to do something. This is ok, if you are committed to working through it. It’s a season.
In a personal season like this, I felt that it was unfair. It’s not even possible that I am always wrong! (I do have the wonderful blessing of a husband who is usually right, and that is so helpful!) But I was getting tired of constantly being wrong, of feeling like everything I did needed corrected. I felt like I needed to defend myself constantly just so I wouldn’t be wrong about something!
Remember, this is a season. One day, I realized my husband needed me. That sometimes, I noticed he did something wrong, and that I was the one to say, “hey, I think we should go this way,” and he agreed with me.
But this was not for years. If you seek those things first, without a heart of submission to your husband, it is so difficult to see clearly.
Your husband may be foolish, and actually wrong. It sort of doesn’t matter. Pray for God to give him wisdom, and listen to him anyway. When you demonstrate a willingness to listen and follow when it’s not to your advantage or according to your will, you build a reputation/history/background that makes it so your husband safely trusts you. When you do speak to oppose him, he knows it’s not just because you don’t enjoy what he’s saying or you want to be right. It’s like a child who lies - even when he isn’t lying, it often looks the same as when he does. So it is difficult to ever trust him. But when a child demonstrates a willingness to tell the truth even to their own disadvantage, you trust him, even if he doesn’t initially appear correct. If your husband doesn’t trust your opinion - don’t try to make him. Be trustworthy, over time. Listen to him consistently. Prove yourself, and don’t be bitter that it’s needed. Think of disagreeing with your husband like the boy who cried wolf - it better be significant to be worth opposing him.
Tim Bayly has likened wives to editors. “Some of you men don’t let your wives edit your lives, and it shows,” he said. An editor who doesn’t criticize is no help at all, and we are called to be our husband’s helper. I’m not saying that you should never disagree nor express disagreement with your husband’s choices. You should. My husband has pushed me to grow in this area. Somehow, I’m able to fail at both ends! I need to learn to submit quietly, and I need to learn to share my counsel with my husband.
How do you know when you should speak? Look for these to be true:
It is not your habit. You have a habit of going along cheerfully with your husband’s preferences even when you don’t agree.
What he desires to do is clearly against Scripture. (At least you think so - but be open to being shown otherwise.) Of course, this need not always be the case, but it does tip the scales towards speaking when it is.
You are willing to be wrong, and also to submit if he isn’t convinced to change by your disagreement.
He hasn’t asked you not to speak.
He has asked you to speak.
You can bring your opinion to him in a submissive posture, with a desire to help him, not to prove you’re right.
Again, I am addressing wives of good men, not abusive manipulators - and do not be quick to put your husband in that category.
Trust
Trust is an essential part of this. It is so much easier to submit when I trust my husband! I want to come with an attitude of “if he’s asking me to do something that doesn’t make sense to me, I must be missing something.” Often, it is difficult for me to understand or trust him because he may do something that I would only do if I were angry or trying to hurt him. I need to understand that his actions don’t necessarily have the same implications that they would if I did them.
It’s been very important for our relationship to be on the same team. Remember you’re on the same team! You desire the same goals - you both just think that you have a better way of getting there.
If you really don’t think you have the same goals, you need to lay some groundwork. Ask your husband for a date night or a getaway and ask him questions about his goals and desires, personally and for your family. Be open and remember you are his helper, he is not yours. So most likely, if you have different goals, yours are the ones that should change. Get yourself on his page.
Don’t worry too much if you think his goals are bad or lame or way too vague. You’ll still make more progress being on the same page. If you are heading to the wrong goal, better to get there and realize it next week than three years from now. Time you spent helping your husband get to an unimportant goal is generally not wasted. He’s learning he can trust you and, Lord willing, that he needs a better goal. Time he spends fighting you to get to his goal is probably wasted, unless that’s what it takes to get you to learn to listen to him - in which case, better to just start working on that.
What if you think you’re seeking the same goals, but your husband just doesn’t make sense? He doesn’t love you, it seems, or else he’s stupid, or...who knows? Try coming from the assumption that he does love you, understand you, and have a purpose for his actions. What can you then see?
For example, for a while it seemed that every time my husband talked to me, he was criticizing something about what I was doing. This was not true, but it was frequent enough that it felt like it. I thought at least he didn’t think I was good at anything, and although I knew it wasn’t true, I felt like he didn’t care about me. I had to remind myself that he did, even though I wouldn’t have treated him that way if I cared about him.
If he told me I needed to do something different with the kids, and I responded by telling him how hard the situation was and how I tried but felt stuck (generally in a way that just sounded like excuses), he would tell me I just needed to do the right thing. I felt unheard. I thought he didn’t care. When I didn’t like what he was doing, I thought about the hard things he was going through, and I was gracious and tried to encourage him. I didn’t criticize him about things he had told me were difficult!
Eventually he told me he had a long list of things that he thought would make our lives better. He couldn’t bring up most of them because I wouldn’t listen or I would get very discouraged. So he was overlooking many, many things that weren’t even on my radar. He was helping me the way he would want to be helped: pointing out things that need to be changed, and reminding me about them. He was pushing me to grow. He knew I could do it. He didn’t bring things up because he didn’t think I could do anything well, but because he knew I could.
As I understood this, I got better at accepting this as what it was: love for me.
He was helping my life get better, helping us be on the same page. And he got better at seeing how to do that in a way that felt like love to me. But all my arguments about his tone only made him frustrated that he didn’t have the exact right words. Responding to him “not living with me in an understanding way,” at least as I saw it, did not help him to do so. But taking his leadership as love, however it came, and trusting God to work in him did.
So even if your husband isn’t a believer or is really not leading you well, trusting is essential - trusting your husband as much as you can, and trusting God in it all. Even in wonderful, godly husbands, we can only trust them because we trust God. Wonderful husbands have been known to abandon their wives after decades. But God never has. So your lack of trust in your husband is really a lack of trust in God Himself.
This sort of foundation is essential for parenting well. How can you parent effectively if you and your husband are not on the same page? And personally, I know my ability to deal with anything goes down about 90% if I’m at odds with my husband.
If your marriage isn’t characterized by you submitting to your husband, that needs to be put at the top of your priority list until it changes. If you’re having issues with your children, consider whether you and your husband lack unity in something. There may be a connection there you haven’t realized.
Don’t be afraid to obey your husband. Not because there’s nothing to fear, but because God calls you to do it. Following God’s ways will never fail you.