The Best Reason to Smile

You may not realize it, but today is an anniversary. You may not remember what you were doing at this time last year, but what I was doing is strongly in my mind. One year ago, just after 2:30, I was on my email. My friend Grace and I had been emailing back and forth our usual nonsense, joking about sending emails to the wrong person, especially Ryan. At the time, unbeknownst to him, I was sending her a Ryan quote of the day.

When I got on, I saw she had replied to my last email. She asked if Friday morning still worked for me to get together to do scrap booking. I wrote a reply, saying Friday worked for me, and suggested we check out the neighborhood (go for a walk, that is) to cover up our activities. We knew Ryan would ask what she had done, especially if he knew she met with me. Grace isn't normally a scrapbooker, and her scrapbook was to be a surprise for him.

As I was about to send it, I realized had somehow missed an email from Ryan. The subject line said, top secret! Intrigued, I clicked on it. "Even in your family, you can’t speak of this," it said. I caught a glimpse of a few words following: D & E, and your parents...be CERTAIN...

Mom appeared behind me. "Let me get on for a minute." As much as my curiosity was aroused, I quickly logged off, lest Mom see whatever it was she wasn't supposed to.

 I wandered the living room, waiting for Mom to get off. Then Eric.

I could only think of one thing, but I made excuses to myself. If he was going to, why would he tell me? I got on as soon as I could, and finished the email. Even with these suspicions, I didn't imagine how what I was about to read would affect me. 

So I’m proposing on Friday!  Might you be available Friday night to possibly help with my proposal?  I’m thinking hidden photographer from afar for you.

I didn't reply. I ran outside and yelled like when I call the chickens, only without words. Running to the neighbors, I swung hard, grinning the whole time.

If it had been possible, I would have stopped mid-swing. Friday? I was meeting with Grace Friday morning to scrapbook, and going to the park for the proposal Friday evening! Would it be hard to act normal?

It seemed like a long time I was out there, but it must have only been a few minutes. I replied to Ryan, my excitement uncontainable, and looked at the email I had been going to send Grace. Having them both sitting there was quite amusing. If I sent Grace's to Ryan and Ryan's to Grace, that would be amusing... Okay, it would be quite horrible, actually, but the thought of doing it was amusing. Smiling, I sent them both to the correct person.

Ryan had actually said I could maybe tell the older members of my family. I didn't, at first. I just enjoyed knowing what I knew as we worked outside that evening. That night when Deanna came home late from work, I was half-asleep. "Jeannette. Do you want to watch Little House on the Prairie?" I was tired, but I slipped out of bed and went downstairs with her.

As it started, I leaned back against the couch and said, "I didn't get up because I want to watch Little House with you." Finally, at the thought of telling someone, I couldn't suppress my smile, and she asked, "What?" It was so fun to tell her. "Ryan's proposing to Grace on Friday." (Excuse me. I probably said, "Ryan's proposing to Grace on Friday!!!")

"How do you know?" she asked. I told her and showed her Ryan's email. Tired as I was, it was worth getting up for.

My sisters told Grace later that I smiled whenever I heard her name-and being a word name, even when it wasn't necessarily referring to her. "Your sister's always smiling," she replied. "You just notice it then." We had a joke as to who would stop smiling first.

Doubtless you're wondering, if you've been aware of these happenings and read my original Smile post, what the point of this is. It did turn out to be more of a rewrite than I thought it would.

I wasn't sure what the point would be myself. I had thought of writing this, probably before they got married. You see, today feels like an anniversary to me, even though their anniversary isn't for over three more months, and even the month-anniversary and anniversary of when he asked her isn't until the 28th. The 25th probably means nothing to them, but like I said, it feels like an anniversary to me. So I felt like doing this...but what was the point? I wasn't sure I had one. I even thought of ending it with something like, "I don't have any conclusion for this, I just felt like writing it because I'm still smiling."

But over a month ago, I got a point.

Though it was challenging, I didn't know as I listened to a study last September 9th that it would affect me so much, just as I hadn't with that email. In like manner, this wasn't really the start; things had been setting up for this day for some time, and the more official anniversary-the 28th for Ryan and Grace, the 16th for this-came later.

After the study when my friend said she wanted to speak to me, I didn't know what it would lead to. We noted things that we saw in our associations with others that we knew weren't right. But we were picking at slivers, not realizing that to remove those slivers, we must first remove the plank, for until that was done, we couldn't see clearly, and more slivers would be produced.

So the Holy Spirit began working in our hearts, revealing our sin, making our desire to change our own hearts, to die to ourselves and live to God. We realized that if our hearts were right with God, if we truly loved Him above all else, then we would naturally desire to speak of Him, and these other things would naturally be resolved.

On the 16th of September, we prayed together to dedicate our new vision. In the wee hours of that morning, we began to speak of heaven, and we got this glorious view of what a truly eternity-focused life would be like. Our joy was unbounded, and for days I couldn't help but smile.

But we know that human beings are fickle and forgetful. We wanted to have fortitude, to not lose sight of that joy and glory. So we determined to keep each other accountable.

Like before, I wanted to share the happenings. It was so exciting, I might have had to tell people even if it had been forbidden. I relayed this exciting happening to Grace. "It's like at your engagement," I told her. "I just can't stop smiling!"

"But it's better," she said.

I forget if she said it's better, more exciting, or happier. Regardless, it stuck firmly in my mind. It's better. Obviously it is for me, but that Grace would think to say it made me wonder. It's better? Of course I have to say it is, but is it?

No Christian would disagree in theory, of course. But as Christians, realizing the goodness, joy and glory of marriage, we sometimes forget. Seeing how wonderful a picture marriage is, we forget that marriage is the picture, CHRIST is the reality. We know that our relationship with God is the most important thing, but I think we often feel that life begins and ends with marriage. It is marriage that gives us fulfillment, not Christ.

And marriage is just an example; it's like that with many things. You see, marriage is concrete to us. We don't have to exercise any faith to see that it is, and that it is good. Christ? Well, we have faith that we have a relationship with Him, but since we cannot see it except with eyes of faith, we often lose sight.

Growing up as a Christian, I know many things the world doesn't realize. Were I to completely abandon my faith, I still would not live outwardly as the world does. All those "terrible" sins-I know that they will not make me happy. But because of this, I can use Jesus as a supplement to my life. Instead of having a good marriage because of love for Jesus, Jesus becomes a way to make my marriage good. Instead of serving others because of love for Jesus, I serve others because I have the knowledge that life will be better that way. Instead of ministering to others so that I will please my Savior, I minister to others to impress those who see me.

In other words, Jesus is a way to make my life good, rather than becoming my life. I know God's way, but do I love it?

I laugh as I read over my Smile posts. I was glad to be a bridesmaid, because people excused my talking about the wedding. I thought about it often, and I was glad if anyone brought it up. Conversations about it caught my ear. People laughed at my silly obsession.

Why was it so exciting to me, I wonder? I have asked myself that multiple times, and I imagine I am not the only one. Regular interest in a wedding, even that it was the first one I could remember being involved in a lot, doesn't explain it. The only reason I can think of is because I love Grace, and I am interested in things that affect her.

It's a silly example, perhaps, but isn't this how we should be with our Savior? Wouldn't we think constantly of Him-and therefore want to speak constantly about Him-wouldn't His name catch our ears, if we truly loved Him? Shouldn't we be willing to look goofy and obsessive, even in the eyes of our family members and other Christians? I long to have that sort of love for the Savior, that others would see me as a little too eager.

But that is not something you can work up. I didn't try to love Grace. I never said, "Okay, she's getting married, so I'm going to be really excited." It even crossed my mind that maybe if it was just a mental choice, I'd choose not to be so much. So, to some degree, it wasn't my decision. And yet, if I had not already had that relationship established, had not already spent time with her and gotten to know her, I wouldn't have been excited about it. And if I had chosen to suppress it, I could have. Our relationship with God has that same tension. As we seek God, He does the work in our hearts. It isn't up to us--yet we can suppress His work or seek it.

A year from when I first found out about the engagement, I am not excited as I was then, yet when I think about it, the joy remains. In a year from September, I may not be jumping out of my skin, but I do not want to lose the joy that I have found in a thirsting desire to love Christ above all, especially self. I want to still be smiling over His glory revealed to me. Realizing that things of this earth don't matter, because I'm going to HEAVEN! These things are but a picture of the reality to come.

And I write this as a reminder to myself. (Which is a good thing, because it's way too long for anyone else to read!) Since we do lose sight and forget the reality of the spiritual, those moments when God reveals Himself to us in a special way are precious. Just as reading that first Smile post reminds me of the excitement I once had, and brings back a smile of remembrance, so I write this that I may not forget the excitement I once had in striving to follow after Christ and the longing to desire Him more than anything, and to call myself back to that joyfulness. "Restore unto me the joy of my salvation."


Thinking it over, I realize: it is better. Way better. Because there's no greater reason to smile.