Stumbling Words
We have a unique sort of record, which some of you know about. What do you get when you combine Dad's love of words, Mom's love of a good laugh, and the kids' tendency for remembering interesting incidents and things about people?
Some of you know where I'm heading with this...
The Beerbower Book of Quotes, of course.
It first started when Mom was pregnant with Kristen. Paul was four at the time, and he kept making amusing statements about the baby which I wanted to remember. So, I started writing them down. I kept this up (took a little notebook with me to the hospital even) until a while after she was born.
The next year, my cousins stayed at our house for a week during Backyard Bible Club. They said so many funny things that I just left up a document on the computer and typed them down when I heard them.
This, of course, led to Quotes Collected by Us, or The Beerbower Book of Quotes, commonly referred to as the Quotebook-or the stupid quotes, depending on who you are-and if you have a propensity for messing up your words or saying amusing things and have spent much time around us, there's a good chance you're in it. We have a shortcut to the document on our desktop, and it is common for me to ask, "Anybody know of any quotes we need to put on?" It's now been kept for about four years and is well over a hundred pages. Needless to say, some of them are of interest only to us, and some are of interest to no one and ought to be deleted.
Ideally, they are added as time passes, arranged under month and year. Reading through them-if you have the time-is enjoyable. I have to make sure when I look through them I have the time, for it's addicting...just as I spent a long time when I should have been sleeping working on this post...
Hearing something quoteworthy in a recorded lectures or something like that bothers me sometimes, as my impulse is to put it in the quotebook, but I can't since it's past. Sometimes I can't remember a quote, but I know there was one. Also annoying is when I remember a quote but not word-for-word. Because this happens often, sometimes when I'm babysitting, I'll bring home a paper with something funny scribbled on it, and often old notebooks, bulletins, and papers for notes have a quote scribbled on the opposite side.
A side benefit of the book is its journalistic aspect; it reminds me what we were doing at the time (for example, there's the softball section), and it's interesting how some sections have lots of quotes (previously mentioned softball time has several pages for one month) and other months have only a couple quotes. Even what quotes were deemed worth putting on is an interesting study.
You may not desire to read them, but that's okay. Like my blog, it was originally intended simply for personal enjoyment, but for various reasons became somewhat commonly known and enjoyed by others. You may not feel like, or have the time, to read the ones I share, but I dare say you will find it amusing if you do.
Remember that some of these are quite old, drawn from random times in the past four or so years. Also, I'm sorry if the bad formatting bothers you. Rest assured, it bothers me more.
Quotes are collected in several ways. The majority are simply ones heard in daily life, around the house.
“What is the opposite of incorrect? Something you aren’t very often."
-Dad to Timothy
Deanna: “What place is this?” (Working on place value and pointing to the 10’s place)
Paul, 5: "The middle."
“Wouldn’t it be fun to walk in the seminary?”
-Melody, meaning cemetery
A subset of this is reading mistakes:
“…the sand…twinkled as if strewn with almonds…”
-Mom reading The Horse and His Boy, meaning diamonds
“Thoughts of the next day ran through her arm.”
-Deanna, meaning mind…
“. . .strong-jawed eyes. . .”
-Deanna reading, meaning strong-jawed face
A sampling of Dad’s mistakes while reading Journey to the Center of the Earth:
“. . .you’ll find enough arms.” – meaning you’ll find strong arms
“. . .island sea. . .” – meaning inland sea
“. . .deep clouds were cast beneath. . .” – meaning deep shadows
“. . .also poured their stupefy. . .” – meaning their superfluity
Many are gleaned from church or Bible studies and other various times when there is a speaker.
“He must have been known because how else could they have known about him?”
-Ben Zellers, 18, on Balaam
“You have a good mind. It’s nice when you use it. Everyone else has good minds too, but they seem to have turned theirs off.”
-Bob Forney to Ashley
“How many of you have watched Seinfeld? It’s okay to admit it…dirty rotten sinners.”
-John Stonestreet
Benjamin Zellers: “Every man who has something in his head while—on his head…”
Tim Bayly: “Something in his head while praying. That was pretty good. (Mockingly) 'I hope you have something in your head while you read.' Stop and laugh. Ha, ha, ha. It’s funny. That’s the kind of thing pastors do in the pulpit.”
Benjamin Zellers: “Anyway. Continuing.”
Anytime there are gatherings of people, such as after studies, church functions, a concert, there is the possibility of something, as we have come to call it, "quoteworthy."
“If you see people swaying to the music, don’t call the police or the ushers, they’re just praising the Lord. Unless of course, you smell alcohol. Then they’re intoxicated.”
-Derrick Rodgers
Lady at a nursing home after saying her name was Bartholomew: “A good biblical name.”
Ryan Brown: “I’ve never met a woman named Bartholomew before.”
Lady: “Well, now you have!” Laughter. “Of course, I married into the Bartholomews.”
Many come from regular conversations, some that we're in, some just overheard. Often the speaker never realizes we noted what they said.
Mom: “Did you read that book?”
Emma: “A little little.”
Shelly: “That means that she read the cover.”
Emma: “Yeah, that’s right.”
Ryan Brown: “How do you know when the chickens lay eggs?”
Deanna: “You go out and see.”
Ryan laughs. “I meant when are they old enough to lay eggs. That was a fun question for you to answer.”
“Well, bye. I may run into you again. And the way I drive, that may be literally.”
-Lady on a scooter
“They’re things that have to get done or they won’t get done.”
-Grace Olson
“It would be easier to do 400 if you were only doing 100." (After Jeannette and Melody repeated her wording) “Oh, hush. I know what I said.”
-Grace Olson
(Unrelated note: seeing Grace Olson was a little funny...)
Sometimes we get some from strangers. Those are fun.
Overheard at a grocery store:
“She doesn’t work here anymore. She got tired of us. I get tired of us, too.”
Getting a man on a ride: “Will you please lift up your stomach?”
(In January on a flight from Florida to Ohio):
“This flight is going to Toledo. Toledo, Ohio, a.k.a. The North Pole. If you don’t want to go to Toledo, please identify yourself. You will be having a long day.”
-Agnes
“I was going to go to Johnston’s, but they only pick twice a week, Tuesday and Saturday.”
-a lady at the JOHNSTON’S blueberry patch on Tuesday
“That would look—not good.”
-A lady at David’s Bridal
When five or six of us went to Home Depot to look at carpet:
Mom: “What kind of carpet should we get?”
Jeff, salesman at Home Depot: “Um, either cast iron or steel.”
Mom: “How long will this carpet last?
Jeff: “With this crew? One to three days.”
Sometimes we get them off of the TV.
“Keep your eyes posted.”
-Jeff Smith, meaning peeled
“Fatal fie”
“Febuary”
-Channel 13 news, meaning fire and February
“…here in Ohio…”
-a reporter in Pennsylvania
Sometimes none of us heard a quote, but someone told us-sometimes specifically for the quote book, other times just happened to tell us.
Luke Simpson: “What does transition mean?”
Another Jr. High kid: “That’s when you put the key in and start the car.”
Another Jr. High kid: “No, that’s transmission.”
"Brrrrrr...I've got like three shirts on and I'm STILL tired."
-Joshua Zellers
There are random other places, such as the Internet and other random things.
A problem in Timothy’s math book: Half past: _____. He wrote: 1:30.
Comments on YouTube about What a Wonderful World
nice song,,
But remember .. GLOBAL
WORMING ...
Unfortunately, in the coming years, this song will not working anymore..
[sic] (emphasis added)
this song was played at my grandmothers mass when she pasted away of cancer. RIP grammy we all miss you :[
[sic] (emphasis added)
(Speaking of millions of years)
“However, this fact is not true.”
-Melody in a report
“Unmarked tags cannot be judges.”
-2011 Fair entry book, meaning judged
There are quotes of many different sorts. Of course, there are the slip of the tongue type.
“…the Bowling Green in Starbucks…"
-Kathryn Zellers
Meaning, of course, the Starbucks in Bowling Green.
“Did you paint your notails?”
-Corinne Iffland, meaning toenails
“Dad would be like: In Keith, Christ.”
-Jeannette, meaning In Christ, Keith
“Can you imagine trying to teach someone how to ride a bike or fly a motorcycle in a classroom?”
-David Bayly
“You’re getting a lot of drives in your car.”
-Ashley Forney, meaning cars in your drive
Then there are the contradictory, redundant, or nonsensical statements.
“You can’t go in this entrance. It’s an exit.”
-Eric
“. . . nonbelievers or unbelievers . . .”
-Keith Beerbower
“those who unbelieve”
-Ryan Brown
Some are the type you shake your head at after you've said them, ones that are obviously ridiculous or wrong.
“They all voted to meet the second and fourth Thursdays of every week.”
-Grandma
Melody’s definition of a cockerel: “It’s a male hen.”
“…where it was minus zero degrees…”
-Mike Ahrendt
We have a few of the kind Dad and Uncle Al like to collect, that we have a theory have some sort of subconscious brain connection.
Jeannette: “Do you think this should be straight or tipped?”
Melody: “Tipped.”
Jeannette: “That’s what I was leaning towards.”
“They could not conceive of limiting their children.”
-Tim Bayly
Some have to do with a certain person's characteristics.
“I don’t think it would cover me adequately.”
-Eric about a too small shirt
“He’s too stinkin’ responsible.”
-Tim Varner about Ryan Brown
A woman referring to Deanna, who is about 5'2":
“Oh, she’s the midget.”
Others are situational.
(talking about the door at church coming off . . .)
Dad: “Yeah, Ryan [Brown] was just teaching on Samson carrying the gate I guess.”
Mr. Hite: “He’s just a bit too manly.”
Mr. Slick: “It’s time he got his hair cut.”
Mr. Hite: “It’s already really short. If he cut it, he’d be bald.”
Mr. Slick: “Well, I guess he has two choices. He can either get his hair cut or stop going around ripping things apart.”
“…many Christians live, ‘Eat, drink, tomorrow we die’…”
-Mr. Forney—this happened to be May 20, 2011
There are the ones that are just funny.
Luther Miklovic, 3: “Audrey, can you tell me how to spell Isaac?”
Audrey Miklovic: “Sure!”
Luther: “Now can you tell me how to spell stinks?”
Eric: “It is a proven scientific fact that plants grow better listening to classical music than rock.”
Blake Altman: “Yeah, yeah.”
Eric: “What does that tell you?”
Blake: “Plants have no taste!”
Craig French: “I’d rather beat a dead horse than have someone not understand.”
Audrey Miklovic: “Beat a dead horse? That doesn’t make sense.”
Jeannette Beerbower: “That’s the point. It’s useless.”
Audrey: “Unless you were going to eat it, and you’re tenderizing the meat.”
Dave Beerbower: “I’m okay with most things, but I can’t remember proper names. Is there a name for that?”
Uncle Rich: “Alzheimer’s.”
Dave Beerbower: “I’ll know someone’s name and then a few seconds later, I’ll forget it.”
Uncle Rich: “I know, Bob.”
That one makes me laugh every time.
Dad: “So, I hear you’re good at math.”
Shelly: “Of course, I have to be. I’m Chinese!”
(Fighting for plumbers for average in Apples to Apples) “The average person has a plumber’s crack.”
-Eric
Grace Olson: “Do you want some carrots?”
Ryan Brown: “A couple.”
Grace (after putting five carrots on his plate): “You don’t have to have all of them.”
Ryan: “That’s fine.”
(To Mercy in the other room) “How many is a couple?”
Mercy: “Two.”
Ryan: “See, a couple is two.” Pause. “They’re Mormon carrots.”
(After Deanna threw one carrot on Melody’s plate) Jeannette: “That’s not a Mormon carrot.”
Deanna: “It’s a nun.”
“I met the Hites at Lowes today.”
-Eric
And then there are the ones that are cute or innocent.
Ezekiel Dionne after Thomas hits him: “Mom, Thomas is i’noring me.”
Mrs. Dionne: “Thomas is not ignoring you, he’s annoying you.”
Gwynen Varner: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Nola Varner: "For his own glory." Gwynen: "No. Because he loves me and takes care of me."
Mom: “ Tim, you look like you came from the 50’s.”
Tim (brushing his hair back): “Now do I look like I came from the 10’s?”
“…the Transgression Railroad…”
-Noah Wing, meaning transcontinental
Timothy: “Champagne.”
Mom: “It’s not champagne; it’s Champlain. You don’t even know what champagne is.”
Timothy: “Yes, I do. You put it in your hair.”
Some of them are just sweet, or something we just want to remember.
“You guys have a cute sister. I keep saying that…and I’m going to keep saying it, because I don’t think it’s going to change.”
-Ashley Forney
“The Beerbowers are like unwanted relatives. They never leave.”
-Ryan Brown
Some people have their own sort of category.
Mom:
“Oops. The phone fell downstairs.”
-Mom upon dropping the phone behind the couch
“You don’t have fall to far.”
-Mom, meaning far to fall
“[The Math-U-See people] are spreading the space out.”
-Mom
“I put [the towels] upstairs.”
-Mom, meaning on a shelf
“I thought that book was bigger than that. Is it a reduction book or what?”
-Mom, meaning abridged
“He had diabetes really good.”
-Mom
Dad:
Dad: “Is his name Kevin or Steve?”
Deanna: “Kevin.”
Dad: “Go, Steve!”
Dad the first week of Sunday School: “I can remember your name, Herb, because it was my dad’s name.” The next week while teaching the ESL students how to introduce each other: “I would say, ‘Hello, my name is Keith. It is nice to meet you, Hebrew.’”
“I can’t understand what you’re saying. Take your tongue out of your mouth.”
-Dad to Kristen
“Did you guys know that they used to deliver mail?”
-Dad, meaning milk
“I don’t care for ham particularly. My favorites are turkey and ham.”
-Dad
“You’re dressed perfect for…for…what are we doing?”
-Dad before going hiking
“I was nice to talk to you.”
-Dad in an email, meaning “it” was
“Boys, why are you rumbling through my money?”
-Keith Beerbower
Dad about the above: “Should I have used rambling?”
Deanna...her quotes are quite interesting.
“I do not know what is on her forehead, but I do not want to see it again. It looked like something grey splotched on her head.”
-Deanna to Amy
“And if you ever wear that outfit again I will personally have you whipped with a wet noodle.”
-Deanna to Amy
“Amy laughs at whatever I say. I could just sit here very calmly and say crouton, and she will start laughing. Okay, she didn’t but you (Melody) did.”
-Deanna
“Where have you been all my life?”
-Deanna about some random paper that said Nastia Liukin on it
“Do you want my bagel? My appetite for it has greatly decreased since I started it.”
-Deanna once again
(By way of explanation, all of those were on a weird day...)
“I know what it feels like to learn to drive, and I don’t want anyone feeling like that in my car.”
-Deanna
“Do you like my shoes more than your shoes? I do.”
-Deanna
“My intelligence is brilliant.”
“His tallness is tall.”
-Deanna Beerbower
Deanna: “The weave of life...you know…the web of life food…”
Melody: “Chain.”
Deanna: “Yeah, the chain of life.”
Amy: “Food chain.”
Deanna: “Whatever.”
I have few quotes, whether because I'm usually the one to write them down or because I seldom say funny things I do not know.
“We can have it [pizza] while we eat.”
-Jeannette Beerbower on having pizza for supper, meaning watch
Eric : “Look at that green van.”
Jeannette: “It sticks out in a cloud.” meaning crowd
“I have that horrid head in my song.”
-Jeannette, meaning vice versa
“A sentence is a complete sentence.”
-Jeannette, meaning thought
“…use her wise timely…”
-Jeannette during prayer, meaning time wisely
(Now I am afraid to use that phrase because it always sounds wrong to me.)
“I definitely burnt the roof of my tongue.”
-Jeannette, meaning mouth
“Grace got Mary Andrews and Julie Poppins.”
-Jeannette
“This is the bone that cuts through knife.”
-Jeannette
Hum. More than I thought.
Though Kristen has been speaking for only about half of the time of the quotebook, she has way more than her fair share of space.
“What we do, we don’t, what we don’t, we do.”
-Kristen
“Toadie, toadie, where are you? …I was hiding him from the peacock."
-Kristen, looking through a kitchen cabinet
Deanna: “Whose yogurt is that?”
Kristen: “Yours.”
Deanna: “Then why are you eating it?”
Kristen: “’Cause it’s mine.”
“I not see myself… I like myself.”
-Kristen after looking at pictures of herself
“I need help doing this by myself.”
-Kristen
Mom: “Deanna, give Kristen a little bit.”
Kristen: “Give me a bigger bit.”
Mom: “What is Eric doing?”
Kristen: “I think he’s sleeping and doing his math.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, but that’s all I talk about…because that is in my heart. So, everything what I mean is in my heart.”
-Kristen
“Why aren’t you listening to my attentionings? Come downstairs and listen to my attentionings.”
-Kristen, 4
Okay, I better stop now... Between Kristen and one other person, practically a third of the quotes are accounted for. You may have noticed several of his already.
Ryan Brown: “Maybe it will wear the calluses off my finger elbows.” Laughing. “Well, what are they called?!”
Melody: “Knuckles.”
Ryan: “Oh, I knew that. Quote book!” Pause. “Can that one remain anonymous?”
Deanna: “No. No one else will really see it anyway.”
Ryan: “I enjoy looking at my own name.”
There's plenty for him to enjoy.
“My watch could fit on your thigh. They’ll be like, ‘What time is it?’ ‘Oh, let me pull up my skirt and see.’”
-Ryan Brown about Kristen
“That should go on the stupid quotes.”
-Ryan about the previous statement
Jeannette: “I do Greek.”
Ryan Brown: “Why?”
Jeannette: “Um…for fun.”
Ryan: “That’s odd.”
Jeannette: “I do vocabulary for fun too.”
Ryan: “That’s just plain weird. …So, you’re a chip off the old…Keith!”
Ryan Brown (holding a wadded napkin in his hand): “This is Grace’s brain.” (Bouncing another in his other hand) “This is Grace’s brain on a trampoline.”
Jeannette (wearing a busy sweater we call the What-a-shirt): “What do you think we call this shirt?”
Ryan Brown: “Am I supposed to guess? … A shirt most people wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing.”
“A zillion divided into fifteen is a lot of hyperbole.”
-Ryan Brown
(Referring to a portion of Calvin's Institutes that seemed out of place) “I think he woke up after a nap and wrote it.”
-Ryan Brown
(After discussing tying a fly with hair still attached to a girl’s head) “If Jeannette did that, the flies would be like boing, boing, boing.”
-Ryan Brown
“Hehe, I really sound goofy with all of these quotes floating around.”
-Ryan Brown
“Do you realize the quality of this? Should I say nice things to make you feel good about it, or do you realize its quality?”
-Ryan Brown
(After Abbi was told we had enough quotes of Ryan for one every day for almost a hundred days) “Stop laughing, Abbi.”
-Ryan Brown
Yeah, I could go on a lot longer with Ryan quotes...
There are a few classics, the type that come to my mind when someone mentions the quote book. Perhaps the all-time favorite:
“Why didn’t the soldiers hide behind the monuments?”
-A tourist at Gettysburg
And one of my personal favorites. My friend and I were discussing the ages of our siblings relative to us. Then:
Jeannette: “How old is Anna?”
Bethany, 13: “When she was born?”
And a Ryan one:
“There will be no Friday Night the two Fridays between Christmas and Easter.”
-Ryan Brown, meaning New Year’s
We used to print the book out (when we only had 50 pages) and the front said, The Beerbower Book of Quotes, with a big space underneath it. It needed a quote, I thought. A quote book ought to have a quote on the cover. I skimmed it, searching for a good one to put on the front. Suddenly, the perfect one came to mind. Underneath the title it says,
"If any man does not stumble in word..."