Part Three - I Thought I was Obeying

Don’t be Afraid to Obey Series

This post is the third in my series, “Don’t Be Afraid to Obey.” In this series, I am exploring what God has taught me about obedience and trust in marriage. Click here for parts one and two. Subscribe to follow along as new parts are released.

“For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.”

- 1 Peter 3:5-6

The year before the school decision, my husband realized if he didn’t like how things were going in his life, he could change them. This led to a year of changing a lot of personal habits. It was wonderful and brought a lot of good fruit into our home. I was pleased.

And then, he realized that if I wasn’t following him, he could change that too.

That wasn’t quite so fun.

Sending our kids to school was just the beginning. Parker began expecting me to obey, and not giving up when I didn’t. In some ways, the school issue was easy. I knew, perhaps better than I ever have in something that isn’t commanded directly in Scripture, that it was the right thing to do. But some of the other things he wanted me to do just seemed silly. Or too hard. Or not worth it.

He kept pushing.

After a lot of close calls and keeping our driver waiting, he told me he wanted the kids out for the bus by 7:05. I thought, sure, he wants them not to be late. I agreed with that. But then he was displeased with me rushing out at 7:08, even though the bus wasn’t there yet.

I was continually forgetting things he asked me to do. For some reason, I never remembered to put silverware in his lunch bag. When I was unloading the bag in the evening, I didn’t want to think about loading it again, Parker’s reasonable solution to my dilemma. So I continued forgetting, often even after I set a daily reminder on my phone (another of his solutions).

There were many situations and disagreements like this. I did not understand what was going on. Most of the time I thought he was making a big deal about nothing. What was I supposed to do about my naturally easy-going and forgetful nature? I was trying!

I didn’t really see my disobedience. If you ask my kids what obedience is, they’ll probably tell you a helpful little saying we use:

Obedience is right away, all the way, and with a happy heart.¹

I didn’t know it yet, but I needed to learn that. I had a happy heart as I obeyed - halfway, later. And when Parker did expect me to obey right away, all the way, I lost the happy heart. Yet I didn’t realize that I wasn’t obeying him.

If you’re going to obey your husband without fear, you need to know what obedience looks like. It’s hard to know what obedience looks like in marriage. Our culture hates the idea of obedience anywhere, and especially in marriage. Even in the church, poor examples abound, and often real obedience is condemned.

I agreed that I should submit to my husband. The problem was that I thought I was when I wasn’t.

“I said 7:05,” Parker would tell me. “Not 7:08, or 7:15, or get there before the bus does. You’re not trying to obey me. You’re trying to do what you want to do without irritating me too much.”

It took a number of conversations like this and some time before I understood what he was saying. It wasn’t the bus or the time that he cared about. Behind all my failures and forgetfulness was a simple reality: I didn’t actually care about what Parker wanted or trust his judgment. I wanted to “obey” him without changing any more than necessary.

It took even longer before I agreed. Honestly, this is still in my heart. I have to fight it day after day.

Technically, was I trying to obey him? I thought I was. But why did I keep failing? Because I didn’t actually want to obey. Theologically, I believed I should. I made the vow.

But it was theoretical. I didn’t want to obey enough to do whatever was necessary to make it happen.

I didn’t think it included waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier until we learned how to get ready faster. I was more concerned with whether my husband was living with me in an understanding way than whether I was obeying him. As my husband told me, I would always agree in principle, but every specific came with an excuse.

Sometimes I forgot. Sometimes I didn’t know how. Sometimes it didn’t make sense to me. Usually I had tried, but it just didn’t work.

A heart of obedience refuses to let these sorts of difficulties lead to disobedience. Obedience takes initiative.

As I learned to stop excusing failures and call them disobedience, my excuses grew fewer and fewer (over long periods of time, mind you). How I would have hated saying that several years ago! I still don’t like calling my reasons excuses. But if I want to obey, I’ll deal with any reasons that get in my way.

So, perhaps my husband tells me that he wanted me to be ready at 5, and it’s 5:10 and the kids still aren’t in the van. My mind fills with visions of the missing shoes and dirty diapers and emergency clean ups and I start thinking how unfair that is when he only got himself ready and then sat on the couch waiting for me to get everyone else ready.

I discipline my emotions and say “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. Could we talk about this later? I’d like your help thinking through how I can get better at this.” Or, if I’ve already had a number of conversations about this, “I’m sorry. I know we’ve talked about this. I’ll make a plan tomorrow for how I can do what we’ve talked about better.” And then do that. This is the type of obedience I am learning to aim for.

Obedience comes from the heart. Obedience cares about specifics. Obedience overcomes obstacles. When I’m willing to make the body obey, but I resent it, obedience disciplines the heart. Obedience isn’t merely doing what you’re told - it’s cultivating a heart that wants to do it.

As God changes my heart, obedience stops feeling like losing. Instead of resentment, obedience produces the joy and unity God intended it to bring.

1. I still need to read Don’t Make Me Count to Three, by Ginger Hubbard, but I have listened to her podcast and found her thoughts helpful. While I didn’t get this quote directly from her, it is from her book.