This post is the fourth in my series, “Don’t Be Afraid to Obey.” In this series, I am exploring what God has taught me about obedience and trust in marriage. Click here for parts one, two, and three. Subscribe to follow along as new parts are released.
“For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” - 1 Peter 3:5-6
Getting from realizing you aren’t obedient to actually being obedient is hard. Seeing the need is only the first step.
You probably have a lot of objections. You may want to say to me, “Your husband sounds harsh. What about when he’s disobeying God?”
It’s an important question, but not the first one you should ask. This is the biggest excuse most women will have to deal with in order to obey their husbands. In part 5, we’ll talk about the qualifications and objections. But the first question to ask yourself is Do I actually want to obey? And is that regardless of what your husband is doing?
I spent a lot of time being upset and trying to tell my husband that it didn’t have to be this way. I just need you to live with me in an understanding way! I thought. Then I would listen! I thought I wanted to obey, but he just made it so hard! He, on the other hand, was continually frustrated because he didn’t use the “magic words” that I would accept.
Both of us were so busy trying to change the other, we kept spinning our wheels.
But guess who is supposed to change the other? That’s right: husbands. As Ephesians 5 says,
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
Husbands are SUPPOSED to correct their wife’s sin. Men should desire and promote their wife’s holiness. Do you believe Scripture? Is this not what Ephesians is saying?
However, God gives different directions for wives.
“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” - 1 Peter 3:1-2
This verse is usually applied to unbelievers, and it certainly applies there. But Christian men can also be disobedient to the Word, and this also applies then.
What does the Word say to husbands?
“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life…” 1 Peter 3:7
Is a husband being unkind disobedient to the Word? Certainly. So is a husband who is not washing his wife with the Word.
What are we to do when our husbands are disobedient to the word? Be submissive, chaste, and respectful, and win them without a word.
When I stopped (most of the time) trying to get my husband to treat me the way I wanted to be treated and started actually trying to obey, we started to make progress.
“Obedience is right away, all the way, and with a happy heart” is really helpful for the kids, but it’s helpful for me too. If I did what he asked, but three months later, that’s not obedience. If I did what he asked, but only part of it, that’s also not obedience. If I did it right away, but with grumbling in my heart, that’s trying to avoid the consequences of disobedience, not obedience.
I did not see this right away. I thought, if I agreed with what he said and made some sort of attempt to do it, I obeyed. If he said I didn’t do what he said, I replied that I had tried (see the photo at the top).
It sounds pretty silly written out, but it isn’t so obvious when you just keep forgetting to do what he asked. This idea can be a guide for me as I seek to obey. I need to evaluate, and I need to change any of these areas I am not doing well in. Regardless of what anyone else is doing.
During the “being confronted with my sin” phase, I felt that it was unfair. Statistically, it’s not even possible that I am always wrong! (I do have the wonderful blessing of a husband who is usually right, and that is so helpful!) But I was getting tired of constantly being wrong, of feeling like everything I did needed corrected. I felt like I needed to defend myself constantly just so I wouldn’t be wrong about something! I defended myself, because I was afraid that if I submitted without qualification, I would never be heard. I was afraid my husband would always be right and I would always be wrong. I didn’t trust God to work. I wasn’t obedient, and I needed to listen, without making excuses.
I’ve been seeking to illustrate the progression that learning to obey has taken for me. First, I’ve been confronted with my disobedience. I realize I’m not obeying, and that I don’t really want to. Then I begin to choose to obey. This helps me see better where I’m not obedient. Then, my heart softens. I begin to see the fruit, and then I am able to get to obedience and a joyful heart faster.
Perhaps you can get to a happy heart earlier. Praise God! But the important thing is not to wait. Don’t wait for your husband, and don’t wait for yourself. Just start doing everything you know to do that is obedient.
Obedience comes before understanding.
It wasn’t that everything my husband did was perfect. But as I tell my kids when they come to tell me one of their siblings isn’t obeying, neither are you! If all of you worry about being obedient yourself rather than whether other people are, you’d all be being obedient.
Your husband may be foolish, and sometimes actually wrong. It sort of doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change what God calls you to do. While you’re developing an obedient heart, pray for God to give him wisdom, and listen to him anyway.
Perhaps the trouble for you is not a husband who expects you to obey when you don’t want to. Perhaps it’s a husband who is very permissive and doesn’t want to inconvenience you with his preferences. It might look different, but the essence is the same: prioritize what your husband wants over your own desires. That may mean sometimes you make decisions you think he should be making. If it does, do it with joy, and pray that God will grow him as a leader.
We’ll talk about how to disagree with your husband, but that is not the first step. Obedience is first. Until you are consistently seeking to be obedient, don’t worry about how your husband is dealing with it or the exceptions.
Eventually one day, I realized my husband needed me. That sometimes, I noticed he did something wrong, and that I was the one to say, “hey, I think we should go this way,” and he agreed with me. Sometimes when he questioned something I did and I told him that wasn’t what I was doing, he changed his perspective.
But this was not for years. If you seek those things first, without a heart of submission to your husband, it is so difficult to see clearly. God doesn’t command you to change your husband. He does command you to obey him.
If while you’re confronting your habits of disobedience you realize your husband doesn’t listen to you when you point out his sin, don’t be afraid. Fear will cause you to push harder. But that is not what is needed.
Realize you are on the same team. Understanding and communicating this has been really important for us. It can also help you fight your fears. If your husband wins, you do too. It’s not about who “wins”, it’s about growing in godliness.
In marriage, growth in godliness is infectious. When your husband sins while leading you to obey, and you learn, that is progress, for both of you. Trust God with his sin.
If your husband doesn’t listen to your opinion, don’t try to make him. Be trustworthy, over time. Listen to him consistently. Prove yourself, and don’t be bitter that it’s needed. You’re not responsible for your husband’s behavior. But you are responsible for yours — and so is he. Let it be a joy to him, and not a burden.
Win him without a word. And expect the Holy Spirit to work.
If you don’t, you will live in fear, and fear will keep you from obedience. Either you will fight, or you will shut down. You’ll loseeither “obey right away” or “with a happy heart”.
Develop an obedient heart, purposefully and consistently. If that is your heart’s desire, it’s usually not hard to know what you need to do next. But you have to be honest with yourself. What do you think will happen if you are submissive to your own husband? What do you fear? What are you actually doing? Look at what you need to do, and overcome any excuses or difficulties you have to do it.
