“For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” - 1 Peter 3:5-6

Special note: In this series, I am addressing wives of good men, not abusive manipulators - but do not be quick to put your husband in that category. If you think your husband is, you should be speaking with the elders of your church.

Becoming Trustworthy

At 7:40 pm, a reminder pops up on my phone. It’s been there long enough now that I know the time when I hear it, even though the sound isn’t unique.

I don’t know why that time is helpful. By then I’ve already unloaded it and I don’t usually load it again until the morning.

It doesn’t matter, though. I never use it. Mostly it just alerts me that bedtime is coming. It’s a lingering reminder of the not-so-distant past, when day after day I would forget things Parker wanted.

It could be regular, like Parker warming up his lunch and finding no fork to eat it with, or unusual, like reminding me for the third time to buy new soap dispensers. Over and over again, I would fail, leaving my husband with the choice of either making up for my lack or informing me that I had - once again - failed him.

His heart could not safely trust me. Perhaps, in some theoretical sense, he trusted that my desires were good. But practically, it was mostly meaningless.

“I don’t think you are trying to lie,” he told me. “But I think you deceive yourself a lot.”

In fact, until writing this post I don’t think I realized how untrustworthy I was. So often I would fail to do the things Parker asked me to. He never knew if I would remember to do something or if I would bother to do it even if I did.

We worked hard on this, both of us. I began to be more consistent. My reminders to write things down and put in silverware became just gentle reminders to keep prioritizing what my husband wanted.

However, as our marriage improved, we began to see something was off. Sometimes Parker would make a big deal about something, and I would be confused. Why didn’t you just tell me? I’d ask. Why are you acting like this is a big deal? I’d try to explain what I was doing or troubles I had, and he would tell me I was complaining. I would get so frustrated with how Parker was dealing with things. Most of the time, things went well - but then randomly it felt like we were back where we started. I began to be discouraged that we would never escape this.

One day in the midst of an argument, I realized Parker didn’t trust me. And I began to realize I didn’t really trust him.

It was painful to admit, but it made sense for him not to trust me. I had taught him that if he wanted me to do something, he had to make a big deal about it. If he casually mentioned he’d like me to start doing something, I wouldn’t do it, or I’d forget about it at best. Usually I made excuses for why it wasn’t a good idea. I argued with his decisions a lot. This had been the norm for so long, and changing it was so difficult and slow, that it was difficult for him to realize that things were different and the occasional failure or question didn’t mean there was a major issue.

I had to remind him that I was on his side. And I had to make sure that I actually was.

I knew theoretically that I need to show that I am trustworthy by following my husband whenever I can. I needed to learn to do it, practically.

Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous wife:

When you demonstrate a willingness to listen and follow when it’s not to your advantage or according to your will, you build a relational background that makes it so your husband safely trusts you. When you do speak to oppose him, he knows it’s not just because you don’t enjoy what he’s saying or you want to be right.

It’s like a child who lies - even when he isn’t lying, his behavior often looks the same as when he does. It’s difficult to ever trust him. But when a child demonstrates a willingness to tell the truth even to his own disadvantage, you trust him, even if he appears to be wrong.

Remember Sarah. She obeyed Abraham, even when he put her in danger and asked her to be deceptive, and God blessed her and protected her. Her obedience to her husband was messy, and yet God puts her forth in Scripture as an example to follow. In all the crazy things Abraham does, the only record we have of her disagreeing with Abraham about what to do is in the matter of sending Hagar and Ishmael away, and God Himself tells Abraham she’s right!

We want to make it easy for our husbands to trust us.

If it’s not, God can work in you. Occasionally, I still forget the silverware until the last moment. I’m growing, but I’m not ever going to be perfect. Nevertheless, my goal is for my husband to trust me safely. Not imprudently merely because he loves me, but because it is a safe thing to do. I hope that my occasional failure doesn’t keep that from being true.

This does mean that humility and a willingness to repent and be corrected when I do fail is essential. Some of King David’s sins were worse than Saul’s. But we trust David, because he repented every time he was confronted with his sin, and we don’t trust Saul, because he always made excuses.

Ask yourself honestly, is it reasonable for my husband to trust me?

And as for me, I had to learn to trust his intentions.

There are two parts to trust like Sarah: being a trustworthy wife, and trusting your husband. We’ll look at the second part next week.

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I’m curious if you’ll understand what I’m talking about. If you think you do, or if you’re utterly lost - comment and let me know!

School Visions

Click, clang of a dark green locker
(At least I think that’s the sound)
Yanking up a shoulder strap,
“My backpack’s so heavy.”

A white milk crate in the back room
Books piled on a shelf
Math book on the bed

A bell rings through the halls
Papers rustle, chairs scrape, voices rise
(at least in the movies I’ve seen)
Moving in line, glancing around, sliding a black tray
(wait, I don’t know - do you have a tray?)

Siblings around a worn wooden table,
Playing with yogurt, waiting for the microwave.

A hand grasps the metal bar, a foot lifts, 
a face brightens at the little sister squealing her name, 
backpack slides down, body sinks into a hard seat.
(That’s right, isn’t it?)

Dropping a notebook out of the tree, leaning back, yelling. 
“Guys, I’m done!
Wanna play orphanage?”

I wonder,
How different will your memories be?

This week, I thought I'd share with you one of my old poems that I still like. It's one of the first real poems I ever wrote, and I have found it helpful and still applicable.

Here’s a link to the original post in case anyone’s interested in the background story.

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What does an obedient heart look like when you disagree?

First, “wives submit to your husbands in all things”1 does not mean agree or pretend to agree at all times. We are to be our husband’s helper, and agreeing all the time is not helpful.

Reconciling this in my mind, it has been helpful to think about my kids. I expect them to be obedient. If they don’t understand, I still expect obedience. But if they want to understand and ask me questions, I am happy to talk with them about it.

Furthermore, my desire, especially as the kids grow in maturity, is for them to come to me if they think that I’m wrong about something, and for me to be willing to listen and change if I agree. Disagreeing with me does not mean they are being disobedient. In fact, it’s obedience to what I’ve been teaching them: God’s Word is our highest authority. Having done their part, they are not responsible for my response. If I don’t heed them when they’re right, they ought to accept that without bitterness.

So obedience does not mean thoughtless submission - though it is submission.

It does not look like giving no feedback when your husband proposes something. I may not know your husband, but a habit of doing that would certainly not please mine. He actually gets quite frustrated if I try to obey in a rigid, rote way and don’t tell him what I think. He tells me he actually didn’t marry me because he wanted a robot to do chores and help with children and agree with everything he says.

Tim Bayly has likened wives to editors. “Some of you men don’t let your wives edit your lives, and it shows,” he said. An editor who doesn’t criticize is no help at all, and we are called to be our husband’s helper. When I say you are to obey your husband, I am not saying that you should never disagree nor express disagreement with your husband’s choices. You should. My husband has pushed me to grow in this area. Somehow, I’m able to fail at both ends! I need to learn to submit quietly, and I need to learn to share my counsel with my husband.

And if your heart is like mine, if you want to avoid any discussion, it probably means you have some rebellion or irritation or bitterness in your heart that you need to work through, not that you are happily submissive. If I can’t speak without giving vent to that, it may be time to listen silently and then pray through it before I respond. (Just do a better job at letting your husband know that is what you’re doing than I usually am - he knows a silent, unhappy wife is not submissive or a joy!)

There was a time when I consistently pushed back against what Parker said, and eventually he forbade me to argue. He expected obedience, no questioning. It was humbling. You may need to do this, perhaps self-imposed, if you have bad habits to break. But this ought to be a limited time of training. It is good, if you are committed to working through it.

Think of disagreeing with your husband like the boy who cried wolf - it better be significant to be worth opposing him.

I don’t mean issues of preference, when neither of you really cares what the other thinks. If you both enjoy debating the proper way to measure flour or who has the best basketball team, have at it.

This also isn’t the same as talking through significant issues that you need to be on the same page about, such as how your family does things — unless that turns into a fight. People define disagreement and arguments differently. You can have different opinions and work together on what you’re going to do about them. If you can do that without significant frustration, that’s not the disagreement I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you know what he thinks, you’ve discussed it together, you still don’t think it’s good, and you’re still trying to get him to change his opinion by some means other than loving (not manipulating) prayer. That should be rare.

Your default should be joyful obedience. Until you understand that and are working on implementing it, you should not be talking about exceptions.

If you fight with your husband a lot (or you don’t but only because you’re not submitting and he’s letting you, so you’re realizing you need to), don’t expect this to be fixed immediately. My husband and I have a variety of disagreements. Many of them should, in an ideal world, not have happened, or at least not the way they did. However, they slowly have become fewer, easier to work through, and faster to recover from.

I also have been avoiding calling these fights, because to some people that means yelling and physical contact, and while I won’t say that raised voices have never been part of our disagreements, it’s rare and hasn’t happened in a long time.

How do you know when you’re being helpful and when you’re just avoiding submission?

Consider being a helper versus being responsible. If you’ve ever had to lead a large event, you know that having people who know the difference is important. I’ve been in a number of VBS meetings, and I’ve noticed how the people who are supposed to be helping respond to the people in charge. There are three types of helpers.

First, there are people who wish they were in charge. They will tell the leader what to do, complain about decisions, and when their advice isn’t followed, they talk about all the bad consequences that follow (I know, because after years of doing VBS, I thought I knew how to do it well and had to restrain myself from being this person!).

Second, there are people who don’t want to help. They will not make suggestions, will barely show up, and only do the bare minimum of what is required. If they talk, it’s to make complaints formulated as questions or direct complaints. They’re not invested or interested. You wonder why they are there at all. They may help with physical needs, but they are no help when setting goals or making plans.

Finally, there are people who are happy to follow you. They will share ideas, ask questions, and then keep their mouth shut once you have made a final decision. They want to understand what is going on, they’re thoughtful and give advice, and they never undermine your leadership. If something goes poorly, they don’t come with an ‘I told you so’ attitude — rather, they see this as an opportunity for the leader to learn and do a better job next time. When you’re leading, this is the person you want on your team.

You should not be trying to take over. Nor should you be dead weight, a mere body to do deeds. A good helper on a team doesn’t simply say, “whatever you want,” all the time (the second type). That’s the job of an underage worker — a gofer, as my dad would say. It’s not the job of a partner or a right-hand man, the sort of helper your husband needs. They have thoughts, give counsel, make decisions, and lead those under them, but in accordance with the leader’s goals, not their own.

On the other hand, a good helper doesn’t try to lead what the leader hasn’t delegated. They use their experience to help the leader make good decisions, and then they let the leader take responsibility for those decisions, and try to help things go as well as they can.

Remember, God made you to be a helper to your husband. Your husband needs your help. Your job is to do that without trying to take his job. His job is to be responsible. Even if he accepts all your ideas, the outcome is on him. Understanding this allows you to give all the advice in the world without being rebellious.

Seeking to be a helper to a responsible leader will help you discern how to respond to various situations.

Say your husband tells you you shouldn’t agree to lead the committee at church. You’re too busy. You need to be spending more time at home. You disagree.

This could go several ways, depending on your situation and history. One, you keep your mouth shut, trust him, and spend more time working at home. Another, you ask him for an explanation. What are the things he thinks are missing? Is there something that, if you were able to fix, he would find it ok for you to lead it? Alternatively, does he think it would be ok if you join the committee rather than lead it? Sometimes, you might present an argument. “Would you be ok with me sharing my thoughts? I know I’ve been busy lately, but everything has been running well at home. I think I should add this on, and if it becomes too much, I can cut back on how frequently we have people over. I think they really could use my help.”

Notice the attitude. It’s always coming from a heart with a desire to respect your husband, his opinions, and his wishes, even when in disagreement — and with a willingness to submit to his preference if your thoughts don’t change his mind.

How do you know when you should speak? Here are six things to consider as reasons to speak:

1. What he desires to do is clearly against Scripture. (At least you think so - but be open to being shown otherwise.) Of course, this need not always be the case, but it does tip the scales towards speaking when it is.

2. It is not your habit. You have a habit of going along cheerfully with your husband’s preferences even when you don’t agree.

3. He hasn’t asked you not to speak.

4. He has asked you to speak.

5. You are willing to be wrong, and also to submit if he isn’t convinced to change by your disagreement.

6. You can bring your opinion to him in a submissive posture, with a desire to help him, not to prove you’re right.

If some of these things are true, it may be proper for you to talk to your husband about your thoughts. The most important piece here is that you are actively cultivating an obedient heart, like we discussed in the last article. How can you help your husband do his job if you refuse to do yours?

Remember, you are called to obey your husband, and you are called to help him. Those two things should not be in conflict. Rather, they should work together.

This may all seem difficult if instead of having high expectations your husband does not lead you. In that case, this is an area you may need to speak, at least if he is a believer. But again, your job is not to lead him to be a leader. It’s to help him be a leader.

Obedience requires discernment. If you’re jealous of my husband (reasonably, for sure, he’s pretty great), be careful. I am sharing my story, but you must love your own husband. That means you need to know your husband, including his weaknesses, and help him be a great leader. My husband is encouraged to be a good leader by me listening to him and reminding him to be patient. Your husband may be encouraged to be a good leader by you listening to him and reminding him that you want him to lead.

The best way to help your husband lead is to follow any leadership he shows. Most of the Christian men I’ve seen who do not lead their homes tried and gave up because they didn’t like making their wives unhappy, and they would have had to fight their wives (for a long time) if they tried to lead. Their wives taught them that if they lead, their homes will be miserable, and then often they complain that their husbands don’t lead!

This is where we were heading. And if my husband didn’t have the foresight and perseverance necessary to oppose my (oh-so-sweet and innocent-looking) refusal to follow him, we’d have continued to have a happy-looking marriage, and then slowly reaped the fruit of disobedience, especially as our children grew. The trajectory of our marriage, happy as we were, was not good. Unless God was very gracious and somehow got through my thick head the need to change without working directly through him, we would have ended up in a bad place if Parker had not insisted that I change.

Perhaps reading this is God’s grace to you.

If you’re not being very purposeful to follow any leadership your husband shows, how can you complain that he is not a good leader?

Do not allow yourself any excuse. With or without your husband’s help, develop an obedient heart and a submissive spirit even in disagreements. Become a thoughtful helper to your husband.

Emotions often make this difficult, so there’s another big area we need to discuss. We will talk about that in our next article.

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I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. If not, either you need to learn to read or I need to learn to write poetry!

Probably the latter.

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Getting from realizing you aren’t obedient to actually being obedient is hard. Seeing the need is only the first step.

You probably have a lot of objections. You may want to say to me, “Your husband sounds harsh. What about when he’s disobeying God?”

It’s an important question, but not the first one you should ask. This is the biggest excuse most women will have to deal with in order to obey their husbands. In part 5, we’ll talk about the qualifications and objections. But the first question to ask yourself is Do I actually want to obey? And is that regardless of what your husband is doing?

I spent a lot of time being upset and trying to tell my husband that it didn’t have to be this way. I just need you to live with me in an understanding way! I thought. Then I would listen! I thought I wanted to obey, but he just made it so hard! He, on the other hand, was continually frustrated because he didn’t use the “magic words” that I would accept.

Both of us were so busy trying to change the other, we kept spinning our wheels.

But guess who is supposed to change the other? That’s right: husbands. As Ephesians 5 says,

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27

Husbands are SUPPOSED to correct their wife’s sin. Men should desire and promote their wife’s holiness. Do you believe Scripture? Is this not what Ephesians is saying?

However, God gives different directions for wives.

“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” - 1 Peter 3:1-2

This verse is usually applied to unbelievers, and it certainly applies there. But Christian men can also be disobedient to the Word, and this also applies then.

What does the Word say to husbands?

“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life…” 1 Peter 3:7

Is a husband being unkind disobedient to the Word? Certainly. So is a husband who is not washing his wife with the Word.

What are we to do when our husbands are disobedient to the word? Be submissive, chaste, and respectful, and win them without a word.

When I stopped (most of the time) trying to get my husband to treat me the way I wanted to be treated and started actually trying to obey, we started to make progress.

“Obedience is right away, all the way, and with a happy heart” is really helpful for the kids, but it’s helpful for me too. If I did what he asked, but three months later, that’s not obedience. If I did what he asked, but only part of it, that’s also not obedience. If I did it right away, but with grumbling in my heart, that’s trying to avoid the consequences of disobedience, not obedience.

I did not see this right away. I thought, if I agreed with what he said and made some sort of attempt to do it, I obeyed. If he said I didn’t do what he said, I replied that I had tried (see the photo at the top).

It sounds pretty silly written out, but it isn’t so obvious when you just keep forgetting to do what he asked. This idea can be a guide for me as I seek to obey. I need to evaluate, and I need to change any of these areas I am not doing well in. Regardless of what anyone else is doing.

During the “being confronted with my sin” phase, I felt that it was unfair. Statistically, it’s not even possible that I am always wrong! (I do have the wonderful blessing of a husband who is usually right, and that is so helpful!) But I was getting tired of constantly being wrong, of feeling like everything I did needed corrected. I felt like I needed to defend myself constantly just so I wouldn’t be wrong about something! I defended myself, because I was afraid that if I submitted without qualification, I would never be heard. I was afraid my husband would always be right and I would always be wrong. I didn’t trust God to work. I wasn’t obedient, and I needed to listen, without making excuses.

I’ve been seeking to illustrate the progression that learning to obey has taken for me. First, I’ve been confronted with my disobedience. I realize I’m not obeying, and that I don’t really want to. Then I begin to choose to obey. This helps me see better where I’m not obedient. Then, my heart softens. I begin to see the fruit, and then I am able to get to obedience and a joyful heart faster.

Perhaps you can get to a happy heart earlier. Praise God! But the important thing is not to wait. Don’t wait for your husband, and don’t wait for yourself. Just start doing everything you know to do that is obedient.

Obedience comes before understanding.

It wasn’t that everything my husband did was perfect. But as I tell my kids when they come to tell me one of their siblings isn’t obeying, neither are you! If all of you worry about being obedient yourself rather than whether other people are, you’d all be being obedient.

Your husband may be foolish, and sometimes actually wrong. It sort of doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change what God calls you to do. While you’re developing an obedient heart, pray for God to give him wisdom, and listen to him anyway.

Perhaps the trouble for you is not a husband who expects you to obey when you don’t want to. Perhaps it’s a husband who is very permissive and doesn’t want to inconvenience you with his preferences. It might look different, but the essence is the same: prioritize what your husband wants over your own desires. That may mean sometimes you make decisions you think he should be making. If it does, do it with joy, and pray that God will grow him as a leader.

We’ll talk about how to disagree with your husband, but that is not the first step. Obedience is first. Until you are consistently seeking to be obedient, don’t worry about how your husband is dealing with it or the exceptions.

Eventually one day, I realized my husband needed me. That sometimes, I noticed he did something wrong, and that I was the one to say, “hey, I think we should go this way,” and he agreed with me. Sometimes when he questioned something I did and I told him that wasn’t what I was doing, he changed his perspective.

But this was not for years. If you seek those things first, without a heart of submission to your husband, it is so difficult to see clearly. God doesn’t command you to change your husband. He does command you to obey him.

If while you’re confronting your habits of disobedience you realize your husband doesn’t listen to you when you point out his sin, don’t be afraid. Fear will cause you to push harder. But that is not what is needed.

Realize you are on the same team. Understanding and communicating this has been really important for us. It can also help you fight your fears. If your husband wins, you do too. It’s not about who “wins”, it’s about growing in godliness.

In marriage, growth in godliness is infectious. When your husband sins while leading you to obey, and you learn, that is progress, for both of you. Trust God with his sin.

If your husband doesn’t listen to your opinion, don’t try to make him. Be trustworthy, over time. Listen to him consistently. Prove yourself, and don’t be bitter that it’s needed. You’re not responsible for your husband’s behavior. But you are responsible for yours — and so is he. Let it be a joy to him, and not a burden.

Win him without a word. And expect the Holy Spirit to work.

If you don’t, you will live in fear, and fear will keep you from obedience. Either you will fight, or you will shut down. You’ll loseeither “obey right away” or “with a happy heart”.

Develop an obedient heart, purposefully and consistently. If that is your heart’s desire, it’s usually not hard to know what you need to do next. But you have to be honest with yourself. What do you think will happen if you are submissive to your own husband? What do you fear? What are you actually doing? Look at what you need to do, and overcome any excuses or difficulties you have to do it.

Remember, fear imagines that this is the end. I will always be wrong, my husband will never learn to be kind to me or he will never lead, and the consequences will be bad. Faith in God says that obedience will change me, my husband, and my circumstances for my good.

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The year before the school decision, my husband realized if he didn’t like how things were going in his life, he could change them. This led to a year of changing a lot of personal habits. It was wonderful and brought a lot of good fruit into our home. I was pleased.

And then, he realized that if I wasn’t following him, he could change that too.

That wasn’t quite so fun.

Sending our kids to school was just the beginning. Parker began expecting me to obey, and not giving up when I didn’t. In some ways, the school issue was easy. I knew, perhaps better than I ever have in something that isn’t commanded directly in Scripture, that it was the right thing to do. But some of the other things he wanted me to do just seemed silly. Or too hard. Or not worth it.

He kept pushing.

After a lot of close calls and keeping our driver waiting, he told me he wanted the kids out for the bus by 7:05. I thought, sure, he wants them not to be late. I agreed with that. But then he was displeased with me rushing out at 7:08, even though the bus wasn’t there yet.

I was continually forgetting things he asked me to do. For some reason, I never remembered to put silverware in his lunch bag. When I was unloading the bag in the evening, I didn’t want to think about loading it again, Parker’s reasonable solution to my dilemma. So I continued forgetting, often even after I set a daily reminder on my phone (another of his solutions).

There were many situations and disagreements like this. I did not understand what was going on. Most of the time I thought he was making a big deal about nothing. What was I supposed to do about my naturally easy-going and forgetful nature? I was trying!

I didn’t really see my disobedience. If you ask my kids what obedience is, they’ll probably tell you a helpful little saying we use:

Obedience is right away, all the way, and with a happy heart.1

I didn’t know it yet, but I needed to learn that. I had a happy heart as I obeyed - halfway, later. And when Parker did expect me to obey right away, all the way, I lost the happy heart. Yet I didn’t realize that I wasn’t obeying him.

If you’re going to obey your husband without fear, you need to know what obedience looks like. It’s hard to know what obedience looks like in marriage. Our culture hates the idea of obedience anywhere, and especially in marriage. Even in the church, poor examples abound, and often real obedience is condemned.

I agreed that I should submit to my husband. The problem was that I thought I was when I wasn’t.

“I said 7:05,” Parker would tell me. “Not 7:08, or 7:15, or get there before the bus does. You’re not trying to obey me. You’re trying to do what you want to do without irritating me too much.”

It took a number of conversations like this and some time before I understood what he was saying. It wasn’t the bus or the time that he cared about. Behind all my failures and forgetfulness was a simple reality: I didn’t actually care about what Parker wanted or trust his judgment. I wanted to “obey” him without changing any more than necessary.

It took even longer before I agreed. Honestly, this is still in my heart. I have to fight it day after day.

Technically, was I trying to obey him? I thought I was. But why did I keep failing? Because I didn’t actually want to obey. Theologically, I believed I should. I made the vow.

But it was theoretical. I didn’t want to obey enough to do whatever was necessary to make it happen.

I didn’t think it included waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier until we learned how to get ready faster. I was more concerned with whether my husband was living with me in an understanding way than whether I was obeying him. As my husband told me, I would always agree in principle, but every specific came with an excuse.

Sometimes I forgot. Sometimes I didn’t know how. Sometimes it didn’t make sense to me. Usually I had tried, but it just didn’t work.

A heart of obedience refuses to let these sorts of difficulties lead to disobedience. Obedience takes initiative.

As I learned to stop excusing failures and call them disobedience, my excuses grew fewer and fewer (over long periods of time, mind you). How I would have hated saying that several years ago! I still don’t like calling my reasons excuses. But if I want to obey, I’ll deal with any reasons that get in my way.

So, perhaps my husband tells me that he wanted me to be ready at 5, and it’s 5:10 and the kids still aren’t in the van. My mind fills with visions of the missing shoes and dirty diapers and emergency clean ups and I start thinking how unfair that is when he only got himself ready and then sat on the couch waiting for me to get everyone else ready.

I discipline my emotions and say “I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. Could we talk about this later? I’d like your help thinking through how I can get better at this.” Or, if I’ve already had a number of conversations about this, “I’m sorry. I know we’ve talked about this. I’ll make a plan tomorrow for how I can do what we’ve talked about better.” And then do that. This is the type of obedience I am learning to aim for.

Obedience comes from the heart. Obedience cares about specifics. Obedience overcomes obstacles. When I’m willing to make the body obey, but I resent it, obedience disciplines the heart. Obedience isn’t merely doing what you’re told - it’s cultivating a heart that wants to do it.

As God changes my heart, obedience stops feeling like losing. Instead of resentment, obedience produces the joy and unity God intended it to bring.

Part 5 below!

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See part one here. Subscribe to follow along as new parts are released.

Public school was my testing ground.

The joy and peace and fruit that sending our kids to school has brought to our family is difficult to comprehend. It’s not because we love it so much. It’s not because they have the best education ever. It’s not because it’s fixed any root issues.

It’s not even because it has helped the kids grow in areas of our family’s natural weaknesses or because the kids love it or because it’s given me more time to grow as a mom and focus on training my littles, although those have been real blessings.

The best thing that has come from it is the unity and peace in our marriage.

In this situation, God was gracious and it was made easier by the fact I knew my husband was right and from the beginning, as much as I hated it, I knew it was good. It truly was the best thing for our family at the time.

But even if homeschooling would have been a better fit for us, guess what? It wouldn’t have been if it came at the cost of me having my own way.

For you, it might not be school. But every wife has to choose - will I obey or seek to have my own way? Don’t ignore this because you don’t have huge conflict right now. Sometimes, the hardest situations to submit in are the small ones.

Maybe your husband says to give them Pop-Tarts every Sunday because we don’t have time before church, and you worry about their teeth.

Maybe he says you need to have fewer people over, and to you that feels wrong.

Maybe he says timeouts will be more effective on this child, and you feel that is disobeying Scripture and you ought to use the rod.

Maybe he says the kids can’t jump on the couch, and you just don’t know how else they’ll entertain themselves.

What do you do?

There are probably bigger reasons, such as selfishness, that it is difficult to obey, but I want to focus on something I don’t hear people talk about. We don’t obey because we’re afraid.

If your husband is asking you to do something and you really don’t want to, consider whether there’s something you’re afraid of. I don’t consider myself an anxious or fearful person, but as I’ve looked back at this time, I realize I did fear what my future would look like. I was afraid I wouldn’t be happy. What do you think is going to happen if you submit to what he wants?

My proposal is this, and I am convinced it is true: no matter what you fear will happen if you listen to your husband, the consequences of not listening to your husband will be worse.

Let me say it positively: the benefits of honoring and obeying your husband will far outweigh whatever you fear will happen if you do.

Let me clarify that this is written to Christian women with good (though not even necessarily Christian) husbands. I am not addressing how to respond to husbands who push for what is blatant sin. But don’t be quick to put yourself into that category. I think that often even when dealing with sin, God will bless your obedience more than you fighting to get your way.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if what your husband wants to do is not explicitly in Scripture, you should submit. Because, “wives obey your husbands in all things,” is.

I don’t mean you never address things you disagree about. We’ll talk more about that later. But my ability to do that with my husband without harming our relationship or our kids has been greatly enhanced by me consistently seeking to submit to his leading, even when I don’t like it or disagree. Over time, it has led to my husband seeing I was right or coming to the conclusion I wanted him to on his own - though more often, to me seeing he was right.

My husband has pointed out that most people are not good at second order thinking. If you have children, like me you are probably trying to teach them consequences. “If you aren’t careful, you’ll break that plate. If you don’t get the house cleaned, you won’t get to have friends over.” Most adults understand this type of thinking. But we need to learn to think about the next level.

Fear keeps us from doing this.

Fear only imagines the immediate consequences - or the bad second order consequences - and assumes that’s the end of the story.

I’ve been spending most of my mornings lately, and often most of my days, getting my whole house in order and teaching my kids to take responsibility for their things and our home. In first order thinking, saying that this is my priority means that I am putting the home first and sacrificing everything else. What about ministry? What about fun with the kids? How will I accomplish anything else?

Fear will lead us to neglect obedience. Obedience is uncomfortable - but not forever.

I have to remind myself that this is a season. Maintaining my home doesn’t take as much time as getting it in order to start with, or as teaching the kids to maintain it. I will not live in this mode forever. Working hard here will lead to more peace and more time long-term.

This is applicable in all sorts of situations. Consider this next time your husband wants something you don’t. Say he wants you to stop going thrifting. He says it’s wasting time and money. You may say your love of thrifting makes it hard to obey - but it’s really your fear imagining what will happen if you spend money on new clothes that is bothering you.

But you obey cheerfully. The budget is tight for a while. And then, things you didn’t imagine start happening. You pay more for a few shirts, but they last longer. Because you paid $40 for a shirt, it’s important you don’t stain it. You remember to wear an apron. You learn how to clean clothes better. You cut down your wardrobe, and having fewer clothes makes your life simpler and happier.

Or, you obey cheerfully. The clothes you buy don’t last, but they cost more, and finding new clothes took just as much time. Your husband says, nevermind, this isn’t better. You happily go back to thrifting.

Either way, what do you have to fear? Losing money? But having obedience and peace while you’re learning unity is worth losing money over.

Of course, this example is relatively unimportant. But it’s not much different in principle than when we sent our kids to school. God used that situation to show me how essential submission is in marriage, and how fruitful. Because it was so emotional, it was memorable, but I've seen the same thing play out over and over in smaller ways. Fear will keep you from obedience. Obedience will prove fears to be unreliable guides.

Obey God’s ways. They work. Don’t think that because you started down this path you’re going to go all the way to the destination to which your fears lead.

God’s ways are not our ways. In His ways, five loaves and two fish equal baskets and baskets of leftovers. He calls Abraham to sacrifice his only son - and then Abraham receives him back, as if from the dead.

Do you actually believe God will be good to you? Do you believe in His sovereignty and love for you enough to trust that He will bring good from your obedience?

If you do, you will not be fearful. Fear says, “What if?” Obedience says, “I don’t know what will happen, but I know God will be good to me.”

Obedience to God will lead to good. Always. And that should cast out fear.

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The fall my firstborn entered kindergarten, my home was disordered and my marriage was struggling. My husband came to me with something unexpected: we should send her to public school. We had both been homeschooled all the way through. I like to joke that my husband had even homeschooled college. He tested out of a lot of classes and then did college online.

We knew we wanted to do things differently, and I had been telling people for years that we were going to take it kid by kid, and year by year. Sure, I figured, we’d probably send the kids to school at some point - but apparently, I never really thought it would happen in elementary. I hadn’t realized I never expected it to happen until the kids were older. My husband said we needed to do it.

I hated the idea of sending my kids to school. I hated the idea of public school mom being my identity. When we were wrestling through the idea, I cried for weeks.

Literally. Daily. (My poor husband.)

I thought this conflict was about school. It wasn’t.

I didn’t know it yet, but God was going to use this to expose what was in my heart - and to change the trajectory of our marriage.

God was gracious to me in two ways. One, I knew Parker was right. I wasn’t afraid to send my kids to school. I knew that schooling methods aren’t the most important thing in parenting, and that other Christians I trusted were happy their kids could go to this school. Parker told me to make a list of pros and cons, and every reason that I wanted to keep her home was mainly selfish or fearful. Most of the reasons we would send her to school were specifically for her good. I could see that.

Second, she wanted to go. I don’t know how I could have done it if I had to make her. It might have sent me into depression. It certainly would have taken longer for me to be happy again and to see the good in what we were doing. Thankfully, she loved it.

But these did not make it easy. I hated it, every day. My husband encouraged me to make it fun. He suggested I take her school shopping, just the two of us. He made me list the good things about school. I wrote down every single thing I could think of that I could be happy about and thankful for. I was surprised how many there were. I quickly filled three pages. Later, I started a fourth. I wasn’t very happy about most of them, but I wanted to be, and I had to be intellectually honest.

Parker would not tolerate complaints about school or the teachers. When I was working through signing up or schedules or communication, he often stopped me to tell me I was not allowed to complain - even when he agreed with my objection.

I still don’t like thinking about filling in those forms the first time. It took me days, and not because there were so many pages. Filling those forms felt like death.

At Parker’s prompting, I had a phone call with our pastor’s wife. She encouraged me in the same things he had. She reminded me that it would be much easier for Parker to let me do what I wanted, but he loved me and the kids enough to do what was best for us. Make it fun, she said. Take Marie out, and don’t cry.

A sweet friend of ours who had gone through a similar situation and was seasoned in public school, and was by God’s kindness involved in the same one, graciously encouraged me and answered lots of questions.

I wrote a document full of questions that tried not to belie the bitter thoughts I had - are there days they don’t learn anything? How often do they watch movies? Could we do a parent-teacher conference since we missed it? Can we know what they do in art? Is there any way of knowing what goes on in the bus?

I remember pausing writing this google doc because I was too upset to continue, and skipping some of them when I talked on the phone with her. I realized some of them I needed to let go. I knew the anger was wrong.

I did take Marie school shopping. The day is distinct in my memory. Sitting in a booth at Big Boy’s, I asked her careful questions about school and tried to soak in her anticipation.

I could not let my sadness quench her excitement.

School shopping before starting kindergarten is a favorite tradition of our kids now. I look forward to them too, with only a touch of bittersweet.

If you had asked me if I was afraid to send my kids to school, I would have told you no. I wasn’t afraid, just sad. I was giving up on a dream indefinitely. That was true, and certainly part of the hardship. But I was willing to do that for the good of my children. So why was it so hard?

Looking back, I can see my emotional distress was seated in fear. I was afraid that I would always be unhappy and discontent.

At the time, this seemed reasonable. How could I ever learn to be happy about school? In my mind, sadness was the problem. Only later did I realize that beneath my grief was something deeper: fear.

I had an unnamed fear that my kids would live in a world I would never understand. School was a mystery to me. I didn’t know things like the difference between a principal, whom I thought was the head honcho, and the superintendent. I didn’t know what the routines were or how friendships worked or if I should talk to people at ceremonies.

On the other hand, they would not understand me. I grew up in the homeschooling world. What if that felt as foreign to them as school did to me? Would we even be able to connect when they were grown?

I feared never getting to homeschool. If it was too hard for me to homeschool one kid in kindergarten, when would we ever? I would be sad about it for the rest of my life! I had visualized reading aloud as my children played quietly on the floor, or looking around a table full of children happily writing as I oversaw with a baby in my arms since I was a child myself. My vision of motherhood was very tied to teaching. What does mothering without being a teacher look like? I couldn’t visualize it. I think I was afraid that somehow I wouldn’t even be a mom to my kids after they turned 5.

I feared my kids losing out on childhood. What would time with them look like if most of their lives they were gone from home? Another Christian friend who had done public school sent me her time calculations of how much time she had with them. To me, the glaring number of hours they would be gone was the only number I could see. Would they know me? Would they know their siblings? I was always with my siblings as a kid. I loved them. What if my kids didn’t?

I don’t think I identified any of these as fears at the time. I thought I was just sad. I was sad to give up my vision of my future life. But it was sad because I feared that by submitting my desires for my life to my husband’s - and ultimately God’s - leading, the future would not be as good.

It wasn’t because of a lost dream. I was afraid of the future God was asking me to walk into.

I knew God was calling me to do something I didn’t like it - but the thing that made it hard was that I didn’t know if it would be good for me or for my children. If you had asked me, I would have known that didn’t make sense. How could I trust God and think that He was calling me to do something that wouldn’t be good for me?

By God’s grace, I was willing to obey when I didn’t understand. Eventually, God would teach me that obedience is always good for me - and that would teach me not to fear anything that is frightening.

I wasn’t merely struggling with school.

I was struggling to trust God’s goodness to me. God revealed to me that my suffering was rooted in fear.

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I have a theory that the only reason people hate dandelions is because they're invasive. If they weren't, people would spend a lot of time and effort trying to grow them. Certainly the roots are hard to remove, but the dandelion flowers themselves are actually quite delightful. Why do they get so much hate?

(If you love dandelions, comment and let me know! So far, until I recently found out my friend Eilidh loves them even more than I do, I never really heard anyone besides me delighting in them other than children.)

I suppose I am like a dandelion. Cheery, yet a bit too invasive for some people.

(I hate that I want to put an emoji there.)

But I aspire to be more like them in other ways.

I want to grow even when my whole life has been disrupted. I want to keep coming back, producing fruit even after what I've produced before has been mowed down. I want to be bright and cheery. I want to grow where others aren't growing, quickly, surprising people with how quickly I've grown. I want to be useful, with abilities that other people didn't even know I had. (Ever met someone who ate dandelions?) I don't want to be needy. I want to grow no matter what the conditions around me are like. I want to bring joy to people - even when I'm dying. I want to keep springing up, unconcerned about what others think of me, just continuing to do what I've been designed to do. I want to be soft. I want to have a consistent character, to be easily identified. I want to remind people of sunflowers.

I could go on, but I've probably lost you already.

This year for Mother's Day, my husband surprised me by setting up and designing a substack for me and importing my old blog posts into it. I was surprised and excited.

And then I started to think. My most recent post was almost 7 years ago. I was new to motherhood and marriage. And really, I hadn’t posted frequently since before I was married. Those did sometimes include pictures of my teenaged future husband. (Imagine another smiley face.)

They're full of lots of pictures and lots of words. They're cringy. Do I want them connected to my blog now? The author of those blog posts feels like a different person living a different life. I'm an adult now, writing adult things that perhaps even strangers will read. My blog before was mostly a personal journal that I could add pictures to and didn’t care if my friends read. Might as well have been Creed’s blog.

(Pretty excited about that one. It may be the first pop-culture reference I’ve ever written. Usually my references are unpopular-culture.)

And then I remembered my title. Drafts. I'm writing about a life seeking improvement, seeking maturity. Drafts are about getting things down, doing something, starting something so that you can make it better.

So maybe I'll change it later, but what would be more appropriate than having the writing of my youth in the archives of my current work? It's symbolic of what I desire to communicate.

However, I will warn you. You could spend a lot of time reading old things I wrote. I don't recommend it.

I certainly hope I have improved. Most of my previous writing was over 10 years ago. It feels crazy that I can say that. It doesn't seem that long ago, and I don't feel that old. There are only a few things that I believe are good, and most of those are the literary ones. I still mostly like my poems. Some of my spiritual posts have good content, though some aren’t well-written.

I am not going to promise you anything about frequency of posting. (Is that what you call Substack articles?) I am working hard at home. I love writing, but it is not my job or my priority - at least at the moment. I started this at Mother’s Day, and here I am at Father’s Day before making my first submission.

I also do not make any firm commitments to eliminating the weaknesses of the past. I feel like a different person, but I am actually the same person plus experiences and choices, and identifying a problem (such as being too wordy) is only the first step of fixing it. I’m not sure I’ve taken any others yet.

I refuse to put in an emoji just because I don’t know if you realized that was funny.

I also don’t promise to remove jokes that are only funny to me. (But I will try to be funny enough not to need emojis….)

We shall see if I’ll add pictures (but…if you know me you’ll be surprised if I don’t). I don’t know if anyone besides my husband will read this. But that’s okay. I’m writing for me. As I wrote in a silly blog post years ago with quotes about writing, “How will I know what I think unless I read what I’ve written?” I’m writing for myself, because I want to be thoughtful and I want to grow.

In interest of creating drafts in the pursuit of growth, and not being excessively wordy, I’m going to push send. Metaphorically, that is. I think the button actually says continue.

I hope that if you join me on this journey, these notes will pop up in your path like an unexpected dandelion, bringing a bright spot of joy to your life, encouraging you to send your roots deep.

The world could use some more dandelions.

The few posts I've done since Marie was born give me a glimpse, suddenly putting me back, only a year or two, but they seem so long ago. How much has changed, especially in me!

I am thankful, and happy, this Thanksgiving. As Pastor David said in a recent sermon, those who know Christ should be happy. Not just "joyful". I think there is a valid distinction between the two, and we should always be joyful - but we should normally be characterized by happiness as well.

And although we are certain to have ups and downs (I really wanted to say undulate but I'm afraid it's pretentious), I am thankful that Parker and I have been learning this. But here is my official list...

1. I am so thankful for Parker. I could make a list full of just the ways I'm thankful for him. I appreciate him more continually. Every time I am discouraged in some way about him, God works in him and I am amazed.

2. Marie - she is such a joy. And a challenge - pushing me to grow. She's thoughtful and smart and loves babies and helping, and reminds me how much I need God's help to be the mother I should be.

3. Jed - sometimes Parker and I just sit and marvel at how hilarious he is. He's the goofiest little boy I've ever seen. Totally confident in himself, he does everything with his own silly twist, even when he's (constantly) trying to imitate Marie.

4. Gravenor - I am so thankful to have my happy little boy back. He's just about the smiliest baby ever, even more than Jed was. I am thankful for formula that makes this possible, even if it's stinky and messy and not as fun as nursing! I am thankful that he just loves his family, and is probably going to be another boy who prefers his grandpas over just about everyone.

5. Baby! This little one first tried to make its presence known by stealing all of little big brother's food. :) What fun to think of another little one already, to wonder what Gravenor's relationship will be, hardly a year older than little sibling.

6.  Ultrasounds! If it weren't for ultrasounds, I'd still be wondering whether this baby is due in April or in August!

7. Parker working at the church. This new job has been a great blessing to us in many ways, not the least of which is how late he leaves for work in the morning! We love that he gets to see the kids in the morning.

8. We also love...days off! He worked a half day yesterday and doesn't work tomorrow, and we get two weeks of vacation, not including church trips.

9. Books! I finally have set a goal I've kept up with all year, and I'm almost done with my book for November, having read over a book a month. It's been years, if I've ever done this. Certainly there's been years I've read more than 12, but not necessarily at least one per month. It has really been a blessing, and I've read some great books.

10. Baked oatmeal. We loved baked oatmeal around here. I love how easy it is and that the kids love to eat it.

11. Rebekah. After multiple attempts over the years, I've finally found a prayer partnership that's stuck. We've gotten to the point that even if we miss a week or two, we'll still get going again. It's simple, but we have faith it will be powerful, and it's good for our relationship.

12. A little baby boy! After multiple miscarriages and years of praying for another child, my friend is halfway through her pregnancy, and we are thankful.

13. Rosina! I've been waiting for a niece a long while, and I couldn't have asked for a sweeter one.

14. Cornwell Camera. I've had some fun photo sessions this year and grown in my photography a lot.

15. Marcus and Jasmine. What a joy to see this sweet friend of mine and her now husband seeking to obey God and grow! I am excited to see what He does in their lives.

16. Egg nog. My kids discovered this recently, and can't get enough "egg nog milk". This perhaps comes from the fact that I think eggnog is too strong (and expensive) and weaken it with milk...

17. My husband who figures out technology for me. I am so going to be that old lady who doesn't get how stuff works, even if I am comfortable with older technology.

And that seems like a good number to end on, symbolically - I could go on forever, so at some point, I just have to randomly stop.

What are you thankful for?

"Are you going to eat your food?" I ask.

"Es, es," Marie says, nodding her blond head seriously.

I wait a moment while she stares at me. "Marie, eat your food." She continues staring. "Marie. Eat your food. Obey mama." (Here's where I would put the period after every word if I didn't strongly dislike the practice.)

She continues staring.

"Do you understand me?" I ask.

"Es, es," she says, nodding.

"Then eat!" More staring.

"Marie. Pick up your food. Put it in your mouth."

She picks out a kernel of corn and looks at it. Looking back at me, she puts it back on her plate. 

This scenario happens frequently. And it's not just Marie who does it. I think, especially as women (and men too, I suppose, but my experience is with the women) who have known spiritual things for years, we can be just like Marie is with me with God.

We hear God's Word and we say we know what it means. But anyone who sees what's going on is confused by the disconnect between what we agree we should do in Bible study and what we actually do in our lives.

How many Bible study questions have you answered with pray? When you are anxious, what should you do? Pray. How should you respond when there's a situation beyond your control? Pray. What do you need to do to become closer to God? Pray. But how many times has answering that application question made a significant change in your prayers?

Prayer is just the situation that is on my heart. Yours may be different. Still, isn't there something you've studied and know, but despite all your resolutions to otherwise, still aren't doing anything about?

Do you hear God asking you, "Child, do you understand?"

And we say, "Yes, God. I need to pray."

God pauses, and then, ever so patient, knowing our hearts, asks, "Are you going to?"

"Yes," we reply. Like the disobedient son, we say we are going. And if we're doing better than usual, the next day we sit down to pray until we remember that we need to do the dishes and we hear the baby crying.

Thankfully God is more patient with us than I am with Marie. Yet I am just like her. "Yes, Father, I understand. I am going to pray." But any intention I have of following through doesn't show fruit.

Marie, I think, understands. But she doesn't want to obey. She knows she's not supposed to say no to Mom, so she says yes. But she has no intention of eating her food. Sometimes I am merciful and put the food in her mouth for her. Other times, I make her do it herself.

Praise God that He doesn't stop urging us to obey. We say we understand. After all, His Law is written in our hearts.

But will we act?

But as I swept the carpet (urgently, before Marie scattered any more toys than she already had in the few minutes since she had come down after her nap), a plan seemed to come to mind.

For this month, January, I will keep the living room clean. 

Every day, I will pick everything up. Even toys that will be soon scattered again will be corralled, and Bible studies that will again be scattered on the couch will be properly shelved. That's actually harder than the toys...I may need to work on finding proper, regular places for things.

I will also sweep regularly. This I have found to be particularly helpful in getting rooms clean. Also, it's amazing how much cleaner they feel even if you didn't notice them being dirty before the sweeping. The feeling is very conducive to keeping up the habit.

I think I will add to this making sure the dishes are done, completely, every day. This is becoming easier to do as Jed isn't as demanding at night. The first two months it was difficult to get much accomplished during the evenings, and if I got behind it took two cleaning sessions to get the dishes done, so it was hard to catch up.

Hopefully after a month of focusing on this, living room and dish upkeep will be a habit. Then next month, I will add keeping the kitchen cleaned (aided by my already established habit of doing the dishes) and swept daily.

So, each month, I will add a cleaning habit. Perhaps if I am struggling to upkeep all of them, I'll have a catch-up month where I won't add any.

I'm excited, aren't you?

And this is why I don't share my blog...

I don't mean Jedidiah; that means beloved of the Lord, and I take comfort in knowing that is what you are. But then there's Mark. Mark, after your grandfather...which is also not why I am afraid, in case you were wondering... and John Mark. John Mark, who caused division between Paul and Barnabas, two of my favorite men in Scripture. 

Here is Barnabas, the great encourager, and the great Apostle Paul, one of the most prolific writers of Scripture. And then there's John Mark, the young man who turned back. I never liked this story. It made me feel awkward, and it's sad that they divided. Although God used it to reach more people, I never like when people I respect have flaws. But that happens, Jed, and you have to be prepared for it. All men are sinners.

So here is John Mark, causing division and abandoning the work. Barnabas the encourager wants to give him another chance, but Paul is not about to take the one who turned back. So they go, each their own way. You wonder what John Mark is thinking as he follows Barnabas out, if he hangs his head or even tells Barnabas to leave him and stay with Paul. And that is the end of the combined ministry of Paul and Barnabas.

But then hidden in one of Paul's letters is a tiny little verse, almost like an offhand comment, as if he didn't want to make too big of a deal about it or it was obvious. My favorite little verse: bring John Mark with you, for he is useful to me for ministry.

It almost always makes me feel a little bit like I could cry. We didn't have to be told that he was useful. He wouldn't have asked Timothy to bring him if he wasn't. He didn't need to add that, but he did. The John Mark that had betrayed him in ministry, that he had so opposed coming back before, he now found useful for ministry. 

Like my pastor Bayly's brother Tim once said in a message at Friday Night, "useful, be useful," and there is nothing more that a Christian can ask than God finds them to be useful in ministry. 

Perhaps Paul was getting letters and reports of Barnabas and John Mark's work and was impressed by the young man and his diligence after failure. For some reason he trusts him now, and what a blessed thing that is!

And that is why I fear for you, my son. I fear that like your father did you will learn obedience and usefulness through failure. It's silly, since of course we all do, if we learn at all. But I do not want to hear how you turned back from the work and how the Pauls of today reject you as their helper. 

But if you have failed and a Barnabas comes alongside you, and you return to the work and prove useful to the apostle Pauls in your life that I pray that you will have, then I can ask no more for you. The great men are not the ones who did not sin; they are the ones who after failure continue to serve all the more. I pray that you early learn the sinfulness of men - particularly yourself - and are not shaken by it as many are, but rather are moved by the love and forgiveness of God to serve.

With my mother's heart, I shrink from the thought; and yet, I hope for failure for you, Jedidiah, that humbles you and gives you wisdom. Don't be above failure, my son. Be quick to admit it and to turn back wholeheartedly to the work.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

A year ago, after coming back from my family's New Year's Eve party in the wee hours we sat in our white apartment with our friend who last-minute spent the night with us, telling us about how she tried not to like this guy so-unlike her imagined man but couldn't help it, while I was either wondering if I was pregnant or a bit sad that the (one of way too many according to my husband) pregnancy test I took said I wasn't.

This New Year's Eve, we sat in our white living room (we were surprised how much painting it white made it feel like home) with our family and our soon-to-be-three-month-old baby in a quiet party (the next pregnancy test said that this time my wonderings were right), while I missed our friend but happily thought about her spending New Year's Eve with her fiance's family.

Some things, like my love for long sentences and Marie staying up later than about any other baby I know, never change.

This year, as always, I want to do many things. I decided to get a planner in hopes that keeping it will help me be organized. I am excited.

Focused.

Purposeful.

Don't those words just look right?  They look what they mean. I just wrote them to see what they looked like and how they struck me, but now I see that it says I am focused. I am purposeful. That may not be very true, but that is my goal for this year. Perhaps the biggest thing I learned last year was that I need to be purposeful. Being flexible is good, but I need to have a vision and work and make things happen, not just ride the waves.

Perhaps one of my goals will help with that: writing a blog again. Writing, at least a personal, blog sort of writing, always makes me think about what I'm doing and why. And evaluation is essential for being purposeful.

So, because I know that I need specific, measurable goals:

1. I will write at least one blog post per week. Posting on Monday.

Ha. I already know that isn't going to happen. But I am okay with that. Goals help me grow. They are not an end in themselves. Striving for every week and missing it half the time is still more than saying I'll do it once a month.

2. I will check my planner every day (except maybe Sundays) and do a major preview/fill-in each month.

This I do mean to maintain.

I have other goals, of course, and since I haven't made them specific enough yet, maybe I shall now.

3. Exercise...

Never mind. That will be made more specific later. I need my husband's drive for that one. Hmm...but maybe a contest...because last time if he didn't exercise I lost my motivation to. And he didn't think having ice cream as a reward every time I exercised was a good idea.

4. This is a fun goal: to do a mini session day for Cornwell Camera. I really want to do this. And now I'm thinking about doing a snow one. That might be the only way I can convince people to do a snow session, and taking pictures in the snow is really great.

5. Keep the house clean and organized.

I'm not sure how to make this specific. But these past few days, after making sure (almost) the whole house was clean and presentable, I (and Parker!) have been loving the feeling and look and peacefulness of having an orderly home. So I want to remember this feeling to give me motivation to keep up on things. 

And I think that is key. Once I get behind, I give up. So my goal is to maintain orderliness, and gradually add to it (the backroom, the office area, the garage, the closets...). So I perhaps need to add something I've realized (as Parker points it out). Small decisions. So put away my mug when I'm done. Wipe up Marie's tray after every meal. Put the clothes away right away. No laziness and putting things off. PROMPTNESS.

6. Never be late.

Woah. That would be impressive. I just added that on a whim after writing prompt in all caps. So...plan ahead, crunch time numbers, add more and more and more built-in flex time, lay out clothes the night before, make food early and let it cool off if necessary.

I'll let you know how that one goes.

7. Never say interesting.

Ouch. That may be the hardest one yet. Maybe even more than not being late and exercising and keeping the house.

Or, maybe not.

Anyway, I like to use interesting. People always think it's negative when I don't mean it to be. "Thanks for the shirt," I might say. "It's interesting." They hear, "Thanks for the shirt [sarcastic voice]. It is strange and I don't like it." But interesting merely means arousing curiosity or catching attention, and that can be a good thing. I like interesting things.

I will admit there are times when Parker will say, "What do you think of that song?" and I'll say, "It's interesting," and that will mean, I like thinking about it, but not enough to desire to hear it again.

But that isn't why I want to stop using interesting. The reason is this: it's lazy and, well, as illustrated above, it can mean just about anything and thus means nothing. A "non-word," as my father-in-law recently informed me.

If I don't tell Parker that the movie he wanted to watch was interesting, I have to think of a real description. And I might say that I didn't like it because it made me feel sad even though the story line about the dad betraying his daughter did interest me. And that might lead to an....in-depth...conversation (it's already so hard!) and we might end up understanding each other better. And that is a very good thing.

Perhaps very should go next.

That is an excellent thing. A profitable thing. A beneficial thing.

8. Make something from my new cookbook, Extending the Table,, at least once a week.

I think this will be a good way of expanding my cooking abilities and our interests in general, as it is a multicultural book; it also is generally cheap cooking, which is good. Perhaps there is a blog post about it in my future.

9. Teach Marie verses.

Marie will repeat almost anything you tell her, though it will sound exactly the same as something else you tell her to, and she knows m, o, and a. This year she will turn 2. So I want to starting teaching her verses. I need to look into what ones would be good for first verses to memorize.

10. Read books.

I have hardly read a book outside of Bible studies in a few years. I am not sure what a good goal is. Every choice to do something is a choice not to do other things, so I'm not sure how much this is a priority. One per month? I don't think I would come close to a higher goal. Perhaps that would be good. I will write the book that I want to read each month on that page in my planner.

I could keep going on forever. However, eventually I would come to 1259. Be disciplined in going to bed. Actually that would probably be more like 19. I was going to say thus ends the first day of 2018, but it's already the beginning of the second. I'm not sure if that is an auspicious start or not.

I had some delusions this summer about starting to write regularly. I had visions of relaxing on my porch chair, watching my daughter entertaining herself in the grass in the front yard, laptop on my lap, the sun shining down on us.

Apparently that isn’t a likely scenario for a pregnant mama recently moved into a bit of a fixer-upper house with a busy toddler.

But I found some spare time with my husband gone, Marie in bed and the baby quiet to write my first post since Marie was a few months old.

And that brings me to the topic of my Thanksgiving post. In small group recently, I was struck by how God had given me the desires of my heart. In the midst of taking two kids to Aldi (so that the bread is regularly flattened in a crowded cart), re-shelving books every night (or having them scattered across the living room), getting up at 5 to make breakfast and pack lunch for my husband (and going back to bed after), I focus on what’s next and sometimes forget to ponder.

And I realized I had forgotten. This is what I wanted. Husband. Kids. Close together. I had wanted them, intensely. And when I had them, I accepted it and continued on. Forgetting that at one point, I didn’t know if they would happen. Or when. Or how. Or what it would be like.

As I have learned, momentous things rarely feel that way.

Yet, I love this life, and in a cliched phrase, wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I am thankful for the two delightful, adorable eternal beings entrusted to us. I am thankful for that "us," that nothing I do is really on my own, that I forever have my husband's wisdom and strength behind and beside me.

(And I'm thankful for the busy life that keeps me from writing or finishing writing very much as I post this weeks after I actually wrote it.)