The few posts I've done since Marie was born give me a glimpse, suddenly putting me back, only a year or two, but they seem so long ago. How much has changed, especially in me!

I am thankful, and happy, this Thanksgiving. As Pastor David said in a recent sermon, those who know Christ should be happy. Not just "joyful". I think there is a valid distinction between the two, and we should always be joyful - but we should normally be characterized by happiness as well.

And although we are certain to have ups and downs (I really wanted to say undulate but I'm afraid it's pretentious), I am thankful that Parker and I have been learning this. But here is my official list...

1. I am so thankful for Parker. I could make a list full of just the ways I'm thankful for him. I appreciate him more continually. Every time I am discouraged in some way about him, God works in him and I am amazed.

2. Marie - she is such a joy. And a challenge - pushing me to grow. She's thoughtful and smart and loves babies and helping, and reminds me how much I need God's help to be the mother I should be.

3. Jed - sometimes Parker and I just sit and marvel at how hilarious he is. He's the goofiest little boy I've ever seen. Totally confident in himself, he does everything with his own silly twist, even when he's (constantly) trying to imitate Marie.

4. Gravenor - I am so thankful to have my happy little boy back. He's just about the smiliest baby ever, even more than Jed was. I am thankful for formula that makes this possible, even if it's stinky and messy and not as fun as nursing! I am thankful that he just loves his family, and is probably going to be another boy who prefers his grandpas over just about everyone.

5. Baby! This little one first tried to make its presence known by stealing all of little big brother's food. :) What fun to think of another little one already, to wonder what Gravenor's relationship will be, hardly a year older than little sibling.

6.  Ultrasounds! If it weren't for ultrasounds, I'd still be wondering whether this baby is due in April or in August!

7. Parker working at the church. This new job has been a great blessing to us in many ways, not the least of which is how late he leaves for work in the morning! We love that he gets to see the kids in the morning.

8. We also love...days off! He worked a half day yesterday and doesn't work tomorrow, and we get two weeks of vacation, not including church trips.

9. Books! I finally have set a goal I've kept up with all year, and I'm almost done with my book for November, having read over a book a month. It's been years, if I've ever done this. Certainly there's been years I've read more than 12, but not necessarily at least one per month. It has really been a blessing, and I've read some great books.

10. Baked oatmeal. We loved baked oatmeal around here. I love how easy it is and that the kids love to eat it.

11. Rebekah. After multiple attempts over the years, I've finally found a prayer partnership that's stuck. We've gotten to the point that even if we miss a week or two, we'll still get going again. It's simple, but we have faith it will be powerful, and it's good for our relationship.

12. A little baby boy! After multiple miscarriages and years of praying for another child, my friend is halfway through her pregnancy, and we are thankful.

13. Rosina! I've been waiting for a niece a long while, and I couldn't have asked for a sweeter one.

14. Cornwell Camera. I've had some fun photo sessions this year and grown in my photography a lot.

15. Marcus and Jasmine. What a joy to see this sweet friend of mine and her now husband seeking to obey God and grow! I am excited to see what He does in their lives.

16. Egg nog. My kids discovered this recently, and can't get enough "egg nog milk". This perhaps comes from the fact that I think eggnog is too strong (and expensive) and weaken it with milk...

17. My husband who figures out technology for me. I am so going to be that old lady who doesn't get how stuff works, even if I am comfortable with older technology.

And that seems like a good number to end on, symbolically - I could go on forever, so at some point, I just have to randomly stop.

What are you thankful for?

"Are you going to eat your food?" I ask.

"Es, es," Marie says, nodding her blond head seriously.

I wait a moment while she stares at me. "Marie, eat your food." She continues staring. "Marie. Eat your food. Obey mama." (Here's where I would put the period after every word if I didn't strongly dislike the practice.)

She continues staring.

"Do you understand me?" I ask.

"Es, es," she says, nodding.

"Then eat!" More staring.

"Marie. Pick up your food. Put it in your mouth."

She picks out a kernel of corn and looks at it. Looking back at me, she puts it back on her plate. 

This scenario happens frequently. And it's not just Marie who does it. I think, especially as women (and men too, I suppose, but my experience is with the women) who have known spiritual things for years, we can be just like Marie is with me with God.

We hear God's Word and we say we know what it means. But anyone who sees what's going on is confused by the disconnect between what we agree we should do in Bible study and what we actually do in our lives.

How many Bible study questions have you answered with pray? When you are anxious, what should you do? Pray. How should you respond when there's a situation beyond your control? Pray. What do you need to do to become closer to God? Pray. But how many times has answering that application question made a significant change in your prayers?

Prayer is just the situation that is on my heart. Yours may be different. Still, isn't there something you've studied and know, but despite all your resolutions to otherwise, still aren't doing anything about?

Do you hear God asking you, "Child, do you understand?"

And we say, "Yes, God. I need to pray."

God pauses, and then, ever so patient, knowing our hearts, asks, "Are you going to?"

"Yes," we reply. Like the disobedient son, we say we are going. And if we're doing better than usual, the next day we sit down to pray until we remember that we need to do the dishes and we hear the baby crying.

Thankfully God is more patient with us than I am with Marie. Yet I am just like her. "Yes, Father, I understand. I am going to pray." But any intention I have of following through doesn't show fruit.

Marie, I think, understands. But she doesn't want to obey. She knows she's not supposed to say no to Mom, so she says yes. But she has no intention of eating her food. Sometimes I am merciful and put the food in her mouth for her. Other times, I make her do it herself.

Praise God that He doesn't stop urging us to obey. We say we understand. After all, His Law is written in our hearts.

But will we act?

But as I swept the carpet (urgently, before Marie scattered any more toys than she already had in the few minutes since she had come down after her nap), a plan seemed to come to mind.

For this month, January, I will keep the living room clean. 

Every day, I will pick everything up. Even toys that will be soon scattered again will be corralled, and Bible studies that will again be scattered on the couch will be properly shelved. That's actually harder than the toys...I may need to work on finding proper, regular places for things.

I will also sweep regularly. This I have found to be particularly helpful in getting rooms clean. Also, it's amazing how much cleaner they feel even if you didn't notice them being dirty before the sweeping. The feeling is very conducive to keeping up the habit.

I think I will add to this making sure the dishes are done, completely, every day. This is becoming easier to do as Jed isn't as demanding at night. The first two months it was difficult to get much accomplished during the evenings, and if I got behind it took two cleaning sessions to get the dishes done, so it was hard to catch up.

Hopefully after a month of focusing on this, living room and dish upkeep will be a habit. Then next month, I will add keeping the kitchen cleaned (aided by my already established habit of doing the dishes) and swept daily.

So, each month, I will add a cleaning habit. Perhaps if I am struggling to upkeep all of them, I'll have a catch-up month where I won't add any.

I'm excited, aren't you?

And this is why I don't share my blog...

I don't mean Jedidiah; that means beloved of the Lord, and I take comfort in knowing that is what you are. But then there's Mark. Mark, after your grandfather...which is also not why I am afraid, in case you were wondering... and John Mark. John Mark, who caused division between Paul and Barnabas, two of my favorite men in Scripture. 

Here is Barnabas, the great encourager, and the great Apostle Paul, one of the most prolific writers of Scripture. And then there's John Mark, the young man who turned back. I never liked this story. It made me feel awkward, and it's sad that they divided. Although God used it to reach more people, I never like when people I respect have flaws. But that happens, Jed, and you have to be prepared for it. All men are sinners.

So here is John Mark, causing division and abandoning the work. Barnabas the encourager wants to give him another chance, but Paul is not about to take the one who turned back. So they go, each their own way. You wonder what John Mark is thinking as he follows Barnabas out, if he hangs his head or even tells Barnabas to leave him and stay with Paul. And that is the end of the combined ministry of Paul and Barnabas.

But then hidden in one of Paul's letters is a tiny little verse, almost like an offhand comment, as if he didn't want to make too big of a deal about it or it was obvious. My favorite little verse: bring John Mark with you, for he is useful to me for ministry.

It almost always makes me feel a little bit like I could cry. We didn't have to be told that he was useful. He wouldn't have asked Timothy to bring him if he wasn't. He didn't need to add that, but he did. The John Mark that had betrayed him in ministry, that he had so opposed coming back before, he now found useful for ministry. 

Like my pastor Bayly's brother Tim once said in a message at Friday Night, "useful, be useful," and there is nothing more that a Christian can ask than God finds them to be useful in ministry. 

Perhaps Paul was getting letters and reports of Barnabas and John Mark's work and was impressed by the young man and his diligence after failure. For some reason he trusts him now, and what a blessed thing that is!

And that is why I fear for you, my son. I fear that like your father did you will learn obedience and usefulness through failure. It's silly, since of course we all do, if we learn at all. But I do not want to hear how you turned back from the work and how the Pauls of today reject you as their helper. 

But if you have failed and a Barnabas comes alongside you, and you return to the work and prove useful to the apostle Pauls in your life that I pray that you will have, then I can ask no more for you. The great men are not the ones who did not sin; they are the ones who after failure continue to serve all the more. I pray that you early learn the sinfulness of men - particularly yourself - and are not shaken by it as many are, but rather are moved by the love and forgiveness of God to serve.

With my mother's heart, I shrink from the thought; and yet, I hope for failure for you, Jedidiah, that humbles you and gives you wisdom. Don't be above failure, my son. Be quick to admit it and to turn back wholeheartedly to the work.

I love you.

Love,

Mom

A year ago, after coming back from my family's New Year's Eve party in the wee hours we sat in our white apartment with our friend who last-minute spent the night with us, telling us about how she tried not to like this guy so-unlike her imagined man but couldn't help it, while I was either wondering if I was pregnant or a bit sad that the (one of way too many according to my husband) pregnancy test I took said I wasn't.

This New Year's Eve, we sat in our white living room (we were surprised how much painting it white made it feel like home) with our family and our soon-to-be-three-month-old baby in a quiet party (the next pregnancy test said that this time my wonderings were right), while I missed our friend but happily thought about her spending New Year's Eve with her fiance's family.

Some things, like my love for long sentences and Marie staying up later than about any other baby I know, never change.

This year, as always, I want to do many things. I decided to get a planner in hopes that keeping it will help me be organized. I am excited.

Focused.

Purposeful.

Don't those words just look right?  They look what they mean. I just wrote them to see what they looked like and how they struck me, but now I see that it says I am focused. I am purposeful. That may not be very true, but that is my goal for this year. Perhaps the biggest thing I learned last year was that I need to be purposeful. Being flexible is good, but I need to have a vision and work and make things happen, not just ride the waves.

Perhaps one of my goals will help with that: writing a blog again. Writing, at least a personal, blog sort of writing, always makes me think about what I'm doing and why. And evaluation is essential for being purposeful.

So, because I know that I need specific, measurable goals:

1. I will write at least one blog post per week. Posting on Monday.

Ha. I already know that isn't going to happen. But I am okay with that. Goals help me grow. They are not an end in themselves. Striving for every week and missing it half the time is still more than saying I'll do it once a month.

2. I will check my planner every day (except maybe Sundays) and do a major preview/fill-in each month.

This I do mean to maintain.

I have other goals, of course, and since I haven't made them specific enough yet, maybe I shall now.

3. Exercise...

Never mind. That will be made more specific later. I need my husband's drive for that one. Hmm...but maybe a contest...because last time if he didn't exercise I lost my motivation to. And he didn't think having ice cream as a reward every time I exercised was a good idea.

4. This is a fun goal: to do a mini session day for Cornwell Camera. I really want to do this. And now I'm thinking about doing a snow one. That might be the only way I can convince people to do a snow session, and taking pictures in the snow is really great.

5. Keep the house clean and organized.

I'm not sure how to make this specific. But these past few days, after making sure (almost) the whole house was clean and presentable, I (and Parker!) have been loving the feeling and look and peacefulness of having an orderly home. So I want to remember this feeling to give me motivation to keep up on things. 

And I think that is key. Once I get behind, I give up. So my goal is to maintain orderliness, and gradually add to it (the backroom, the office area, the garage, the closets...). So I perhaps need to add something I've realized (as Parker points it out). Small decisions. So put away my mug when I'm done. Wipe up Marie's tray after every meal. Put the clothes away right away. No laziness and putting things off. PROMPTNESS.

6. Never be late.

Woah. That would be impressive. I just added that on a whim after writing prompt in all caps. So...plan ahead, crunch time numbers, add more and more and more built-in flex time, lay out clothes the night before, make food early and let it cool off if necessary.

I'll let you know how that one goes.

7. Never say interesting.

Ouch. That may be the hardest one yet. Maybe even more than not being late and exercising and keeping the house.

Or, maybe not.

Anyway, I like to use interesting. People always think it's negative when I don't mean it to be. "Thanks for the shirt," I might say. "It's interesting." They hear, "Thanks for the shirt [sarcastic voice]. It is strange and I don't like it." But interesting merely means arousing curiosity or catching attention, and that can be a good thing. I like interesting things.

I will admit there are times when Parker will say, "What do you think of that song?" and I'll say, "It's interesting," and that will mean, I like thinking about it, but not enough to desire to hear it again.

But that isn't why I want to stop using interesting. The reason is this: it's lazy and, well, as illustrated above, it can mean just about anything and thus means nothing. A "non-word," as my father-in-law recently informed me.

If I don't tell Parker that the movie he wanted to watch was interesting, I have to think of a real description. And I might say that I didn't like it because it made me feel sad even though the story line about the dad betraying his daughter did interest me. And that might lead to an....in-depth...conversation (it's already so hard!) and we might end up understanding each other better. And that is a very good thing.

Perhaps very should go next.

That is an excellent thing. A profitable thing. A beneficial thing.

8. Make something from my new cookbook, Extending the Table,, at least once a week.

I think this will be a good way of expanding my cooking abilities and our interests in general, as it is a multicultural book; it also is generally cheap cooking, which is good. Perhaps there is a blog post about it in my future.

9. Teach Marie verses.

Marie will repeat almost anything you tell her, though it will sound exactly the same as something else you tell her to, and she knows m, o, and a. This year she will turn 2. So I want to starting teaching her verses. I need to look into what ones would be good for first verses to memorize.

10. Read books.

I have hardly read a book outside of Bible studies in a few years. I am not sure what a good goal is. Every choice to do something is a choice not to do other things, so I'm not sure how much this is a priority. One per month? I don't think I would come close to a higher goal. Perhaps that would be good. I will write the book that I want to read each month on that page in my planner.

I could keep going on forever. However, eventually I would come to 1259. Be disciplined in going to bed. Actually that would probably be more like 19. I was going to say thus ends the first day of 2018, but it's already the beginning of the second. I'm not sure if that is an auspicious start or not.

I had some delusions this summer about starting to write regularly. I had visions of relaxing on my porch chair, watching my daughter entertaining herself in the grass in the front yard, laptop on my lap, the sun shining down on us.

Apparently that isn’t a likely scenario for a pregnant mama recently moved into a bit of a fixer-upper house with a busy toddler.

But I found some spare time with my husband gone, Marie in bed and the baby quiet to write my first post since Marie was a few months old.

And that brings me to the topic of my Thanksgiving post. In small group recently, I was struck by how God had given me the desires of my heart. In the midst of taking two kids to Aldi (so that the bread is regularly flattened in a crowded cart), re-shelving books every night (or having them scattered across the living room), getting up at 5 to make breakfast and pack lunch for my husband (and going back to bed after), I focus on what’s next and sometimes forget to ponder.

And I realized I had forgotten. This is what I wanted. Husband. Kids. Close together. I had wanted them, intensely. And when I had them, I accepted it and continued on. Forgetting that at one point, I didn’t know if they would happen. Or when. Or how. Or what it would be like.

As I have learned, momentous things rarely feel that way.

Yet, I love this life, and in a cliched phrase, wouldn't trade it for anything. 

I am thankful for the two delightful, adorable eternal beings entrusted to us. I am thankful for that "us," that nothing I do is really on my own, that I forever have my husband's wisdom and strength behind and beside me.

(And I'm thankful for the busy life that keeps me from writing or finishing writing very much as I post this weeks after I actually wrote it.)

I can barely see my toes, and spend as much of my sitting down time with my feet up as I can because they are swollen.

Your papa and I keep having the same conversations, wondering what things will be like, marveling at how fast time has gone. Feeling kind of scared because we hear it only goes faster. I said Sunday that I feel like I'll wake up tomorrow and be a grandmother. Only two short years ago, I had never even considered marrying your papa, and our wedding was only nine months ago. How long ago that seems, and yet only yesterday.

You're due in two weeks, but you could come any time now, really. It'd be nice to be done with school first, but I can't wait to meet you. What will you look like? We don't know what a Cornwell baby looks like. Will you look like your papa? Will you look like a Beerbower? It seems you must have a look I cannot quite imagine yet. Will you be chubby or skinny? You seem like a quiet, well-behaved little baby. Will you be a happy baby like your cousin Keith? Will you be as adorable?

And I wonder most of all, are you a boy or a girl? How different our lives will be depending on the answer!

There are lots of questions. I wonder what labor will be like for me, and what your birth story will be.

You've already changed my life in so many ways. I cannot even imagine how you will in the future. You change how others see me. No longer will we be just a young couple. We'll be parents. Those we meet after the next few weeks will think of us as a young family. I will be categorized as a mom.

And we don't know how much we don't know. How naive are we? We wonder sometimes if some of the things we think are because we just don't know or because we will be different parents than others we see. The one thing I do know is that I don't know.

But for now, I'm not worried. Just waiting, wondering. And a little scared, when I think about how big an impact what we do will have on you.

It's appropriate that this is the first post on the new blog. Because you're starting a new era in our lives.

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widow in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. - James 1:27-

This morning I went to the abortion clinic for the first time in a while. (Side note: one of many perks of becoming recently unemployed - Saturdays open!) I chose my favorite little sign: Do Not Commit Murder - We Will Adopt YOUR CHILD.

We weren't the only ones with signs today. I noticed, behind the pile of things the three pink-vested volunteer clinic escorts collected at the corner of the building, a handwritten sign. Upside down, it said adoption at the bottom. Why, I wondered, would they have a sign that said that?

After we prayed, grabbed signs, and began walking the sidewalk, one of the escorts held up the sign. She continued to as they talked and laughed, mostly ignoring us. The sign was written clearly in bright colors.

Lucas County Children's Services
has lots of children 
waiting for adoption.

When the woman flipped it over, I saw the other side.

Put your money where your mouth is, it read.

Anger and defenses rose immediately. What do they know? Many in our group have adopted both internationally and in the US as well as become foster parents. Surely our money and our actions are where our mouths are.

But then conviction rose. The sign is right, if not its attitude; we should have our money where our mouth is. I thought of 1 Peter 3:16. "Keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame."

Is this the case? Are we so active that the mouths of those who rise against us are shut?

Praise God for the families who are adopting. But are not many of us resting on their laurels?

I wonder, should every family feel that the burden of adopting is on them unless God clearly shows the otherwise? I remember a statistic I heard: if one family from every THREE churches adopted an eligible child from foster care, and the rest of the families supported that one family, there would be NO CHILDREN in the American foster care system left waiting to be adopted. None. Surely there is at least one family out of every three churches that should adopt!

Not everyone can adopt. But we know that, and how quick we are to make excuses! And how many ways there are to help. Are we giving to families who are adopting? Are we praying? Are we babysitting, bringing meals, or providing emotional support? Are we being especially careful to assist in the training and raising of adopted children?

Are we judging others' methods? As Dwight L. Moody put it so beautifully, I like my way of doing it better than your way of not doing it. With high costs and the issues that always come with adoption, even of babies, it is easy to criticize how families overcome this obstacles to adoption and how many they adopt.

Are we supporting women who decide not to abort their children? Are we supporting ministries that do?

The brassness of the women who volunteer at the clinic is provoking. The women going in almost never respond to the counselors from our group that call out to them. Once, one of the escorts blocked the face of a woman going in from our view with her sign. After escorting one woman in, two of them gave a high-five. It was sad and creepy, highlighting how they deceive the women going in.

We wanted to silence them. I wanted to bring every child that has been adopted in our church and stand them on that corner with a sign, a great big sign. These children were given life in a new home. Your child can be too. Choose adoption.

Parker asked me a few weeks ago, "If someone going in said to me, "If you, you personally, will adopt my child, we won't abort it," should I do it?"

"Of course," I replied. It doesn't matter that we're less than 10 weeks away from the birth of our first child, nor that we're not rich, nor that we live in a small apartment. I wish it would happen, rather than add to the mass of unmarked murders.

Sometimes, though, it's easier to submit in the big things. In a sense, it's easier to decide to adopt a baby and love them as your own than to love the annoying kid your friend adopted, easier to give up thousands of dollars to go to another country to rescue an orphaned child than to give up a few pizza nights to give so someone else can.

Do not give God's enemies occasion to blaspheme. May the church so love the orphans, not in words but in deed, that the mouths of the world are stopped.

And so, as my dear husband has been recommending, my blog needed an update as well. My focus isn't books as much as before, but more of the path ahead, which is why I like this background photo looking down a road in Mesick, MI from our honeymoon. The look will be evolving for a while, probably.

I haven't thought much past Christmas this year - besides baby, of course! - and it is now past Christmas, so I should probably do that. But a few thoughts for this year.

We want to have people over frequently, about twice a month. It's really delightful to be the ones to have people over and not have to go anywhere! Connections with people you have into your home form in a way they don't in other settings.

I want to read more books. I have not made time for that much, really since I started college. Parker set us up with this app called Todoist. Clever title, no? Hopefully that will help both with this and with being more organized in general, another of my goals.

To grow closer to God is an easy thing for a Christian to say and resolve. But this past year. I have neglected my relationships in some areas, no more so than here. Thankfully my wonderful husband has been challenging and pushing me to devote time to Bible study and particularly prayer, as well as memorization.

He also tells me I need specific goals - hence the twice-a-month having people over and Todoist. Perhaps this is a goal in itself: make ideals break down into specific goals.

I could go on forever, but time is such a valuable thing. Two more thoughts.

Baby! That is all.

And next year, I want to know and understand and communicate with my husband 52 thousand, as Melody would say, times better than I do now. And those three, God, husband, and baby, will make this year quite an adventure.

I long to live the life of Abraham, God's friend.

I have loved where I am, but I want to leave when God calls.

I have been unable to imagine how a miracle can be done in me, but I want to believe God anyway.

I have heard of my family being taken captive, and I want to go after them.

I have to face an incredible army. Will I have men who know God is with me who are willing to follow me even to death?

I have won a battle, but have I refused the spoil to give only God the glory?

I have trusted God to give me an heir, but I want to trust Him as I obey His command to kill it.

I long to live the life of David, a man after God's own heart. 

I have been offended by the insults of the wicked against God. Now am I going to fight?

I have been promised blessing by God. Will I wait on His timing to receive it?

I have been oppressed by my authority. Will I still honor and obey?

I have let my eyes linger and lust, and acted on it. Will I humble myself when I am confronted by my sin?

I have caused the death of my son. Will I mourn my sin before the Lord?

I have trusted in the number of my armies. Will I throw myself upon the mercies of my God?

I have gotten cold and weary. Will I establish a godly heir?

I long for all these things, but I fail.

And yet, I have lived the life of Lot.. My sins have not been punished as they deserve. So often I have escaped the snare which I have set for myself. Although I was prone to linger, God always sends His angels to take me by the hand and force me to move.

In the end, I am righteous.

But I want the legacy of Abraham, not of Lot. Of David, not of Solomon.

Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

                                         - 1 Corinthians 3:12-15

I would like to welcome you to the first guest post of this blog. My name is Parker Cornwell, and I am the fiancé of the most illustrious author of the many posts you have read here (and who also doesn't know that this post is being made). I am the man who was lucky enough to hear a "Yes" when I asked that girl to marry me. I am the man who gets to spend the rest of his life with the woman known as Jeannette.

But enough about me. I did not come here to talk about myself. I came to do one thing. I came to tell you something which, if you know Jeannette at all, you already know. I came to tell you that my love is a pretty awesome person.

There are probably not enough words to describe how amazing she is, and you probably don't want to read some sappy, lovey-dovey blog post anyways. Just know that she is amazing, and this year, I get to marry her.

And, dear, just so you know whenever you happen to read this post, I love you.

-Parker 

This post is a little late this year; after writing that first paragraph, it took me a rather busy week or so before I got around to attempting to finish it. 

And it's a little easier to do now.

Because, Lord willing, I know a few things I will be doing this year.

A few things I never would have imagined doing a year ago. A few things I never wanted to do before. And a lot of things I've been waiting to do for a long time.

A year ago, I took a walk to see the first sunrise of the year with my sisters and a friend and we carved our initials-PJAM-in the lookout.

Hours before that, a group gathered at our house to ring in the new year by almost missing when the ball dropped and when it turned midnight, with singing Auld Lang Syne, and sharing our resolutions and ways that God had blessed us that year. Two of my siblings were looking forward to getting married.

In that group, close as it was, I did not voice what I really wanted to happen that year.

And when a friend near where I sat on the gray-blue couch said, with more meaning than I knew, he hoped that he would not die as he moved away, I thought little.

I did not know what his moving would mean to me, nor that a year later, we would be sitting in almost the exact same spot at the exact same time.

And that this time, we'd know that this year, we're getting married.

Our first picture after engagement

I never imagined that the boy who read every post I wrote on my blog-even The Day Outside one-would be the subject of one of them. Or that there was any meaning behind that casual Facebook message last May, "Are you still working on that blogging thing?"

And for a month or so, I still thought nothing of it. Because it was just Parker. Just Parker, our family friend, our brother. 

Parker, my friend.

My beloved.

Didn't expect to say that of him this year, or any other.

This year, as I learn every year, I learn that God's plans are so much better than ours. So different from what we wanted...and yet, somehow exactly what we wanted all along.

This year for the first time in a long time, I have made no sort of list of resolutions or goals. But I have perhaps more plans than ever I have had before. Probably none of them will look exactly as I imagine. But that's okay, because His plans for my year are "far beyond anything I could ask or imagine."